Sometimes parenting sucks.
I often wonder why there are such rigorous tests for becoming a licensed driver or to carry a firearm, but there are no qualifying tests to become a parent, any old dummy can do it.
There's no instruction manual that the hospital sends you home with, no "hey! you might wanna expect this in the next few years". Nope, they just make sure you have a car seat, and smile and wave you out the doors!
The first few years, looking back, were the easiest, if you're currently in those years, try not to despair! I heard a quote years ago that said "the days are endless, but the years fly by" this is the truest parenting statement I've ever heard. I was certain my son was going to be 5 weeks old forever, and then 8 months, and 19 months, 3 years...etc.
Take heart. They do get older. And with every new age comes a new challenge. My son is 8 (he'll be 9, June 27), and he already knows everything. :) He's not a sporty athletic kid, he's a reader; he likes video games, YouTube and his books. He's a deep thinker, a litigator (he will argue about EVERYTHING!), honest, thoughtful, sensitive and sweet. He's whiny, and emotional, and tends to get frustrated easily, and like most kids, thinks a Band-Aid will fix any bump.
As I only have one child, I'm learning vicariously through my cousins and friends kids and my youth group kids, what teenagers are like.
I know that they can be amazing, awesome, funny, entertaining, encouraging people that I love to be around! However, I also know that there is a dark side lol. I know that there is an underlying evilness (sort of) to teenagers.
I'm not sure what it is about the teenage years that turns kids into this....thing. But it seems to be universal, I'm sure if you asked my mother, she would tell you that I was no different during those years. There's an entitlement, an attitude, and an aloofness that is all rolled up into a ball of angst that builds into a wall of parental resentment.
Now, I know that not every teenager is like this, and that they're not like this all the time.
I know that when they reach the age of driving and girl/boy friends that they want some freedom, but what I don't understand is why they believe that freedom is something they deserve? Or once they have a license and a car, why they suddenly feel they are free to roam the country side as they please? Or why getting them to help around the house is a chore in itself? I feel like if you ask a kid to put the dishes away, you might was well have asked them to repave the driveway or change the oil in the car!
I've been trying to examine why it is that kids have the idea that they are entitled to do what they want when they want, and I think I may have come up with a possible answer....to some degree.
I tried to think of the way I thought when I was a teenager and what was going on around me and the responsibilities and duties I had at that age and I realized that I had a lot going on. When I was 16, I was in high school, had a job, had responsibilities at home and struggled with depression and emotional issues.
Not that every teenager has all of these issues but I realized that when I was a teenager, I had no idea what my parents were dealing with. I was concerned with my issues, I was dealing with MY homework, MY work schedule, MY feelings and so forth. So when my parents asked me to vacuum or put dishes away, I didn't see it as something that was legitimately helping them out, all I thought was "UGH! Don't you know what I'M going through!" I think the teenage years are about self discovery and finding out where we fit in, but it should also be about understanding where others fit into that dynamic as well.
While it may take some time for the realization that the outside world does in fact exist, they will get there I think. We were all teenagers, right? While we probably don't like to think that we were THAT bad...we probably were...just ask your mom!
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
This Youth Group Leaders Life :)
As you may have gathered given the sporadic appearance of these blog posts, I'm generally an emotional writer. :) I write when the mood, or emotion strikes. In this case, it was a particularly well spoken Tuesday night Youth Group talk last night.
I'll elaborate a little for you, if you don't know much about me, I am a high school youth group leader at my church. Christ's Church in Federal Way, WA or CCFW in the shorthand, lol. this is my 5th year leading teenaged girls through their tumultuous high school years and I believe I have found my calling. This year I have seniors, at least 3 of whom I have known for several years and I know their parents and it's a family type relationship! A few of the other girls, I only know them and of their families through their laughter, stories and tears.
To tell you what emotion got me writing this I have to go back several years, so bear with me...feel free to drift off if you've heard this part before. When my husband and I were married about a year (waaay back in 2002, we decided to try to have a baby! YAY!) we were CERTAIN that we would have NO trouble with this, we were (and are) the perfect couple! So how could this be difficult for us?! Not to toot our own horns but anyone who has spent 5 minutes with Trace and I know that we were meant to be :) well, to our great surprise, our baby bliss just wasn't happening! And because of some internal issues of mine, I never knew whether or I was need of a test or not! I swear I should have bought pregnancy tests at Costco!
Fast forward to early 2006, I had recently given my heart and life to the Lord and had a talk with Him one day and very candidly told Him (lol, imagine my gall, to tell HIM anything!) I said, "if You want us to be parents You'll make it happen, so I give up! This is all on You, only YOU can make this happen!" In November of 2006 the pregnancy test made a symbol we'd never seen before. The Amazon river bed couldn't hold the water of tears I cried in gratitude.
**this is just a funny aside, nothing to do with the actual point ;) I went to my doctor for a blood test THAT SAME DAY lol, and my doctor wasn't even in the office that day actually and I sat and waited 2 hours for the results, the receptionist, told me a couple of times that I could go home and they would call me with the results, but I smiled and told her no, I would wait.**
Ok! Now, That being said, after our son was born in 2007 we tried another 3 years with no success and in 2010 I ended up having to have a complete hysterectomy. No more biological babies for us. We were mostly ok with that.
In 2008, I think(?) I served a few years with the children's ministry at my church and while I LOVED my 5th graders (now in 11th grade) children's ministry just wasn't the right fit for me. While I was serving there I was also serving in the high school group of our Awana ministry, called Journey and I found I LOVED the energy and enthusiasm of the high schoolers!
So in 2011 after watching the youth groups annual VBS/Work Party trip to rural Montana presentation, I told the youth pastor at the time, that I REALLY wanted to be a part of the youth group, I probably hounded him and he probably only let me as a last resort lol!
I was put in as a leader with a group of 10th graders, I was SO nervous! I was instantly the new kid in school who didn't know who to sit with at lunch haha! While there was an adjustment period, they got used to me, and the other leader they had that year, and I got used to them, I grew to realize that serving the Lord isn't always about serving but being served.
I may not have been able to have anymore biological babies, but God knew exactly where I was headed and that if I had had more babies, that maybe I wouldn't have had the time or energy for youth group and all it entails. As I told one of my girls when they were at my house one night for one of our famous sleepover/cookie baking/movie watching/laughing/staying up way too late/fun fests, I know why God didn't give me any more babies...He was sending me you.
NOW! That you've waded through all of THAT! Here's that ACTUAL reason for this blog post haha!! Our youth pastor Caleb, teaches from the heart and from the brain at the same time! His teaching style reminds me of a quote I saw on Pinterest once (don't ask me who said it, I have no idea), but the quote was "follow your heart, but take your brain with you". I'm sure Caleb would have a bit more to add to that but that quote always reminds me of him. Caleb has the ability to be a friend to the kids without being overbearing yet at the same time can hit them over the head with a book and be like "STOP IT!!!" He's really great for our kids.
So in his Tuesday night talk time last night, Caleb talked about biblical discipline and biblical obedience. That parents are biblically called to instruct and discipline their children, while children are called to honor their parents.
No where in the bible does it say "honor thy mother and father....if they're honorable"! Nope, there are no qualifiers.
The part that got to me the most was that he was talking to a room full of 14-18ish year olds and told them "do you know how you spell LOVE to your parents? T-I-M-E". I was in tears. He is so right, parents don't want to rule your life or tell you what you should be doing 24 hours a day. We want to instruct and guide and then gently discipline so that you can (insert cheesy line) spread your wings and live your own life! We know you want to live independently, and be your own person, but I think that as parents, we can all agree that if we could just get one concept through your head (other than biblical principles and a love of God) we wish you could learn from OUR mistakes, and that with our rules and discipline and checking in and worry and even though you feel like we're constantly on your back. Just as God the Father loves us enough to correct us and discipline us, if we didn't love you, we wouldn't do those things.
My mom said something to me a couple of times that at the time she said it, made NO sense "this is going to hurt me, more than it hurts you". WHAT?!?! I'm the one getting a spanking!! I get it now. While I as a parent may not have an aching backside, my heart hurts when I have to discipline Lucas. Not only because I know there's a moment of pain, but because I wish he could have learned the lesson before a punishment was necessary. I know we all do things that require punishment, but just as we hate to punish our children, how much more must God have hated to see Jesus on that cross? He was punished for someone ELSE'S mistakes and sin! MINE! and YOURS! My heart hurts with gratitude.
I mess up. I hurt God's heart. But just like I love Lucas enough to go back and explain why he was punished and how to not to that again and how to go forward, God leaves us this example in the Bible.
I am loved. I am forgiven.
I'll elaborate a little for you, if you don't know much about me, I am a high school youth group leader at my church. Christ's Church in Federal Way, WA or CCFW in the shorthand, lol. this is my 5th year leading teenaged girls through their tumultuous high school years and I believe I have found my calling. This year I have seniors, at least 3 of whom I have known for several years and I know their parents and it's a family type relationship! A few of the other girls, I only know them and of their families through their laughter, stories and tears.
To tell you what emotion got me writing this I have to go back several years, so bear with me...feel free to drift off if you've heard this part before. When my husband and I were married about a year (waaay back in 2002, we decided to try to have a baby! YAY!) we were CERTAIN that we would have NO trouble with this, we were (and are) the perfect couple! So how could this be difficult for us?! Not to toot our own horns but anyone who has spent 5 minutes with Trace and I know that we were meant to be :) well, to our great surprise, our baby bliss just wasn't happening! And because of some internal issues of mine, I never knew whether or I was need of a test or not! I swear I should have bought pregnancy tests at Costco!
Fast forward to early 2006, I had recently given my heart and life to the Lord and had a talk with Him one day and very candidly told Him (lol, imagine my gall, to tell HIM anything!) I said, "if You want us to be parents You'll make it happen, so I give up! This is all on You, only YOU can make this happen!" In November of 2006 the pregnancy test made a symbol we'd never seen before. The Amazon river bed couldn't hold the water of tears I cried in gratitude.
**this is just a funny aside, nothing to do with the actual point ;) I went to my doctor for a blood test THAT SAME DAY lol, and my doctor wasn't even in the office that day actually and I sat and waited 2 hours for the results, the receptionist, told me a couple of times that I could go home and they would call me with the results, but I smiled and told her no, I would wait.**
Ok! Now, That being said, after our son was born in 2007 we tried another 3 years with no success and in 2010 I ended up having to have a complete hysterectomy. No more biological babies for us. We were mostly ok with that.
In 2008, I think(?) I served a few years with the children's ministry at my church and while I LOVED my 5th graders (now in 11th grade) children's ministry just wasn't the right fit for me. While I was serving there I was also serving in the high school group of our Awana ministry, called Journey and I found I LOVED the energy and enthusiasm of the high schoolers!
So in 2011 after watching the youth groups annual VBS/Work Party trip to rural Montana presentation, I told the youth pastor at the time, that I REALLY wanted to be a part of the youth group, I probably hounded him and he probably only let me as a last resort lol!
I was put in as a leader with a group of 10th graders, I was SO nervous! I was instantly the new kid in school who didn't know who to sit with at lunch haha! While there was an adjustment period, they got used to me, and the other leader they had that year, and I got used to them, I grew to realize that serving the Lord isn't always about serving but being served.
I may not have been able to have anymore biological babies, but God knew exactly where I was headed and that if I had had more babies, that maybe I wouldn't have had the time or energy for youth group and all it entails. As I told one of my girls when they were at my house one night for one of our famous sleepover/cookie baking/movie watching/laughing/staying up way too late/fun fests, I know why God didn't give me any more babies...He was sending me you.
NOW! That you've waded through all of THAT! Here's that ACTUAL reason for this blog post haha!! Our youth pastor Caleb, teaches from the heart and from the brain at the same time! His teaching style reminds me of a quote I saw on Pinterest once (don't ask me who said it, I have no idea), but the quote was "follow your heart, but take your brain with you". I'm sure Caleb would have a bit more to add to that but that quote always reminds me of him. Caleb has the ability to be a friend to the kids without being overbearing yet at the same time can hit them over the head with a book and be like "STOP IT!!!" He's really great for our kids.
So in his Tuesday night talk time last night, Caleb talked about biblical discipline and biblical obedience. That parents are biblically called to instruct and discipline their children, while children are called to honor their parents.
No where in the bible does it say "honor thy mother and father....if they're honorable"! Nope, there are no qualifiers.
The part that got to me the most was that he was talking to a room full of 14-18ish year olds and told them "do you know how you spell LOVE to your parents? T-I-M-E". I was in tears. He is so right, parents don't want to rule your life or tell you what you should be doing 24 hours a day. We want to instruct and guide and then gently discipline so that you can (insert cheesy line) spread your wings and live your own life! We know you want to live independently, and be your own person, but I think that as parents, we can all agree that if we could just get one concept through your head (other than biblical principles and a love of God) we wish you could learn from OUR mistakes, and that with our rules and discipline and checking in and worry and even though you feel like we're constantly on your back. Just as God the Father loves us enough to correct us and discipline us, if we didn't love you, we wouldn't do those things.
My mom said something to me a couple of times that at the time she said it, made NO sense "this is going to hurt me, more than it hurts you". WHAT?!?! I'm the one getting a spanking!! I get it now. While I as a parent may not have an aching backside, my heart hurts when I have to discipline Lucas. Not only because I know there's a moment of pain, but because I wish he could have learned the lesson before a punishment was necessary. I know we all do things that require punishment, but just as we hate to punish our children, how much more must God have hated to see Jesus on that cross? He was punished for someone ELSE'S mistakes and sin! MINE! and YOURS! My heart hurts with gratitude.
I mess up. I hurt God's heart. But just like I love Lucas enough to go back and explain why he was punished and how to not to that again and how to go forward, God leaves us this example in the Bible.
I am loved. I am forgiven.
Monday, September 28, 2015
Blessed by my Cousins
When I tell you that I'm blessed. PLEASE don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying "blessed" like rap singers say it when they get up on stage and the Grammy's and end their expletive filled acceptance speech with "I'm so blessed".
I am blessed by a God who has chosen a family for me that is perfect for me (of course!). A little back story for you:
I grew up in the Kent area and because my mom was a young mom we lived with her parents for a time when I was young, this led me to having an extremely close relationship with my grandparents, my cousins, some of whom lived about 40 minutes away (a lifetime when you're 6) would come to my grandparents house for events and just to visit, this led to a close relationship with that group of cousins! My other set of cousins' mom had an in-home daycare that my mom took me to while she worked, thus leading me to have a close relationship with THAT group of cousins.
One of my cousins, Kim, she and I went to Junior High together! I don't know what forges a stronger bond than that! Her brother Paul loved to sing and every time I hear the song "Oh, Donna" I think of him. :)
My other cousin Paul (we have a lot of Paul's in our family....grandpa, uncle, two cousins...), he was the big brother I always wanted. In the middle of the cul de sac where they lived there was a big sticker-y bush planted and we would ride our bikes around it and Paul would stand there and push us over into the sticker bush. Another time he convinced us to make baby food for our Cabbage Patch dolls....out of flour and water....IT'S PASTE! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get dried paste out of baby doll clothes?!?! What a butt. :) My cousin Angela, is....Angela. She was always playing sports, which she never let me play, and one time she got into the bathtub with her socks on. Their sister Robin was famous for getting up in the morning to sit over the heater vent on a cold winter morning. :)
And now that I've thrown some of them under the bus, I can tell you all what wonderful people they've grown up to be! We're all fairly close in age, the Paul's bookend us at 7 years between the 6 of us.
Paul B, married a wonderful lady (Hi Becky!) after his time in the Army and lives in Illinois with his kids (Forest, Nicole, Chris, and Tyler) and grandkids (I don't know all of their names but I think there are 5?) and continues to be a diehard Seahawks fan! I don't know if he's still pushing kids into sticker bushes....
Angela W. married a fantastic dude (Hi Brian!) has 4 tremendous kids (Abby, Ellie, Amelia, and Rigby) is the biggest Seahawks fan in the family (no contest) and has a way of seeing the good in everyone.
Robin A. married a fantastic dude too (Hi Eric!) they have 3 great kids (Lydia, Charlie, and Colton), Robin is soft-spoken (when you first meet her) but she'll fight for you and she makes really good ranch dressing.
Kim M. married a fantastic dude TOO (Hi Larry!) they have 2 amazing kids (Jamie and Evan) and Kim is the busiest human I know! She works full time does those home sales things, takes her kids to Girl and Boy Scouts and makes the worlds best cupcakes!
Paul K. is yet unmarried but he'll find that lucky girl! I'm pretty sure he still likes to sing, but I haven't asked him yet for the "Oh, Donna" 2015 Remix :)
And me, you all already know about me! I have my wonderful Trace and our Lucas!
Our grandmother is still just as amazing as ever, as are her children. My aunts (Pam, Bobbie, Merri) and my Uncle Paul are simply outstanding people and I am encouraged by them everyday. They make me want to be better people and they challenge me in God's Word and His plan for my life and they encourage me to accept that things are not always as we'd like them to be and to "just keep swimming"
Looking back I can absolutely see God's hand in my life from the beginning. He placed me with a young mom who needed (for a time) to live with her parents, thus forging that bond, that same mom needed to have me in a home day care that was in my cousins home, thus forging that bond, my cousin Kim's parents moved just before she finished Junior High and she was able to stay and finish by living with my grandparents....we happened to live up the street at that time, thus cementing that bond.
Through my adult years I have grown closer to my cousins and realize that they were such a gift. So yes....I am blessed.
I am blessed by a God who has chosen a family for me that is perfect for me (of course!). A little back story for you:
I grew up in the Kent area and because my mom was a young mom we lived with her parents for a time when I was young, this led me to having an extremely close relationship with my grandparents, my cousins, some of whom lived about 40 minutes away (a lifetime when you're 6) would come to my grandparents house for events and just to visit, this led to a close relationship with that group of cousins! My other set of cousins' mom had an in-home daycare that my mom took me to while she worked, thus leading me to have a close relationship with THAT group of cousins.
One of my cousins, Kim, she and I went to Junior High together! I don't know what forges a stronger bond than that! Her brother Paul loved to sing and every time I hear the song "Oh, Donna" I think of him. :)
My other cousin Paul (we have a lot of Paul's in our family....grandpa, uncle, two cousins...), he was the big brother I always wanted. In the middle of the cul de sac where they lived there was a big sticker-y bush planted and we would ride our bikes around it and Paul would stand there and push us over into the sticker bush. Another time he convinced us to make baby food for our Cabbage Patch dolls....out of flour and water....IT'S PASTE! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get dried paste out of baby doll clothes?!?! What a butt. :) My cousin Angela, is....Angela. She was always playing sports, which she never let me play, and one time she got into the bathtub with her socks on. Their sister Robin was famous for getting up in the morning to sit over the heater vent on a cold winter morning. :)
And now that I've thrown some of them under the bus, I can tell you all what wonderful people they've grown up to be! We're all fairly close in age, the Paul's bookend us at 7 years between the 6 of us.
Paul B, married a wonderful lady (Hi Becky!) after his time in the Army and lives in Illinois with his kids (Forest, Nicole, Chris, and Tyler) and grandkids (I don't know all of their names but I think there are 5?) and continues to be a diehard Seahawks fan! I don't know if he's still pushing kids into sticker bushes....
Angela W. married a fantastic dude (Hi Brian!) has 4 tremendous kids (Abby, Ellie, Amelia, and Rigby) is the biggest Seahawks fan in the family (no contest) and has a way of seeing the good in everyone.
Robin A. married a fantastic dude too (Hi Eric!) they have 3 great kids (Lydia, Charlie, and Colton), Robin is soft-spoken (when you first meet her) but she'll fight for you and she makes really good ranch dressing.
Kim M. married a fantastic dude TOO (Hi Larry!) they have 2 amazing kids (Jamie and Evan) and Kim is the busiest human I know! She works full time does those home sales things, takes her kids to Girl and Boy Scouts and makes the worlds best cupcakes!
Paul K. is yet unmarried but he'll find that lucky girl! I'm pretty sure he still likes to sing, but I haven't asked him yet for the "Oh, Donna" 2015 Remix :)
And me, you all already know about me! I have my wonderful Trace and our Lucas!
Our grandmother is still just as amazing as ever, as are her children. My aunts (Pam, Bobbie, Merri) and my Uncle Paul are simply outstanding people and I am encouraged by them everyday. They make me want to be better people and they challenge me in God's Word and His plan for my life and they encourage me to accept that things are not always as we'd like them to be and to "just keep swimming"
Looking back I can absolutely see God's hand in my life from the beginning. He placed me with a young mom who needed (for a time) to live with her parents, thus forging that bond, that same mom needed to have me in a home day care that was in my cousins home, thus forging that bond, my cousin Kim's parents moved just before she finished Junior High and she was able to stay and finish by living with my grandparents....we happened to live up the street at that time, thus cementing that bond.
Through my adult years I have grown closer to my cousins and realize that they were such a gift. So yes....I am blessed.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Remembering My Grandpa
Yesterday my son, Lucas, and I were watching the Disney movie Song of the South. If you're not familiar with this movie or it's stories and songs it is set in the south with a little boy named Johnny and his time on a plantation and his time with a man by the name of Uncle Remus who would tell him stories of Brer Rabbit, Brer Fox, and Brer Bear. My grandpa and I listened to the record, when I was a kid, yes RECORD!!! I LOVED to hear these stories with him! I'm told that this movie has now been relegated to the Disney vault "FOR EV VER" because of it's racist undertones. Ridiculous.
My grandpa was from Mississippi and had that slow, deep, drawl that Uncle Remus had and while I was watching this yesterday I couldn't help but start to cry. It was the first time I had watched this movie since my grandpa passed away in April of 2013.
My grandpa was my world when I was a kid. My mom was a single teenage mother, and we lived with her parents, so until I was about 9 or 10 (when my stepdad, stepped in, who is tremendous, btw) my grandpa was my dad for all intents and purposes. He loved me when I thought he didn't have to. You know how you always feel like your parent's "have" to love you? Well, my mom HAD to love me, and my father clearly didn't and my grandma so obviously did but for some reason it was my sweet, gentle grandpa who I clung to.
He was born February 26, 1931 in Mississippi and grew up there, he joined the Navy and was sent to California in 1950 where he met my beautiful grandma and they were married, life went on until many years later I was born! He was the one who when I was 4 and demolished a cake that my grandma was going to be taking to work with her, pulled me up onto his knee and asked "was it good?". He was the one who when he gave me a dollar out of his wallet and told me that "that was my last dollar" I went into my room and tore it in half and came back out and presented him with half of it. He was the one who would let me stand next to him on the seat of the truck when we went to the store (you could do that in those days) :) He was the one who I was certain needed me to go with him on Friday nights to pick up my grandma from work, for some reason he was fine the rest of the week but if I wasn't there on a Friday, I worried myself sick! He was the one that I went to when my first car broke down at 4am and I walked to his house and didn't start to cry until he opened the door! He just sighed and let me in :)
He hand-fed squirrels and loved pretty much all animals, except Starlings, lol. He kept a 50lb bag of peanuts in his garage for his squirrels and would sit and wait for them to scamper in and grab one from his hand, and this delighted him to no end. He loved his dogs, when my mom was a kid she says there was a menagerie of different breeds but when I was a kid he had Dachshunds and later Chihuahua's. His favorite Dachshund was Copper, that they got when I was 4 and they let me name him. I had just seen The Fox and the Hound and so his name became Copper! They had him for 18 years and he was my grandpa's buddy, he didn't care for grandma though, he would sit under the end table and growl at her as she walked by, lol!
One of my most clear memories of my grandpa was when I was in my teens, I was at his house making some kind of cake and the recipe called for a "tube" pan. In those days I had NO idea what a tube pan was, lol, so I used a loaf pan! Bad idea, for future reference, this will not work. The batter came up and over the pan and caught fire, and then as I was scooping it out of the oven it dropped down into the drawer under the oven and ignited a kitchen pad that my grandma kept in there under the pans; as I'm battling the flames my grandpa comes to the kitchen doorway, sees what's happening, shakes his head in disbelief and WALKS AWAY!! HAHAHAHA!! This was the type of man he was. He just couldn't believe someone could be so dumb! Oh, how I loved him!
I am blessed to say that I danced with him at my wedding, he held my newborn son, and I had 35 years with this wonderful man, which is a lifetime more than a lot of people get with their grandfathers. I'm selfish enough to say that I wanted more time with him, but I know that he is in Heaven worshipping Jesus and that I'll see him again.
My grandpa truly taught me what unconditional love looked like, what sacrificial love looked like, he would do anything for his family, especially my grandma; they were married for almost 63 years and I don't think anyone man could have loved any woman more. He taught me what a husband should be, and my husband is pretty close ;)
I will miss him for the rest of my life and I will regale Lucas with tales of Paul Truett Butler for as long as my memory will hold out, because he was a great man, a man who loved Jesus, a man who loved his family, a man who loved me, and I loved him just as fiercely.
My grandpa was from Mississippi and had that slow, deep, drawl that Uncle Remus had and while I was watching this yesterday I couldn't help but start to cry. It was the first time I had watched this movie since my grandpa passed away in April of 2013.
My grandpa was my world when I was a kid. My mom was a single teenage mother, and we lived with her parents, so until I was about 9 or 10 (when my stepdad, stepped in, who is tremendous, btw) my grandpa was my dad for all intents and purposes. He loved me when I thought he didn't have to. You know how you always feel like your parent's "have" to love you? Well, my mom HAD to love me, and my father clearly didn't and my grandma so obviously did but for some reason it was my sweet, gentle grandpa who I clung to.
He was born February 26, 1931 in Mississippi and grew up there, he joined the Navy and was sent to California in 1950 where he met my beautiful grandma and they were married, life went on until many years later I was born! He was the one who when I was 4 and demolished a cake that my grandma was going to be taking to work with her, pulled me up onto his knee and asked "was it good?". He was the one who when he gave me a dollar out of his wallet and told me that "that was my last dollar" I went into my room and tore it in half and came back out and presented him with half of it. He was the one who would let me stand next to him on the seat of the truck when we went to the store (you could do that in those days) :) He was the one who I was certain needed me to go with him on Friday nights to pick up my grandma from work, for some reason he was fine the rest of the week but if I wasn't there on a Friday, I worried myself sick! He was the one that I went to when my first car broke down at 4am and I walked to his house and didn't start to cry until he opened the door! He just sighed and let me in :)
He hand-fed squirrels and loved pretty much all animals, except Starlings, lol. He kept a 50lb bag of peanuts in his garage for his squirrels and would sit and wait for them to scamper in and grab one from his hand, and this delighted him to no end. He loved his dogs, when my mom was a kid she says there was a menagerie of different breeds but when I was a kid he had Dachshunds and later Chihuahua's. His favorite Dachshund was Copper, that they got when I was 4 and they let me name him. I had just seen The Fox and the Hound and so his name became Copper! They had him for 18 years and he was my grandpa's buddy, he didn't care for grandma though, he would sit under the end table and growl at her as she walked by, lol!
One of my most clear memories of my grandpa was when I was in my teens, I was at his house making some kind of cake and the recipe called for a "tube" pan. In those days I had NO idea what a tube pan was, lol, so I used a loaf pan! Bad idea, for future reference, this will not work. The batter came up and over the pan and caught fire, and then as I was scooping it out of the oven it dropped down into the drawer under the oven and ignited a kitchen pad that my grandma kept in there under the pans; as I'm battling the flames my grandpa comes to the kitchen doorway, sees what's happening, shakes his head in disbelief and WALKS AWAY!! HAHAHAHA!! This was the type of man he was. He just couldn't believe someone could be so dumb! Oh, how I loved him!
I am blessed to say that I danced with him at my wedding, he held my newborn son, and I had 35 years with this wonderful man, which is a lifetime more than a lot of people get with their grandfathers. I'm selfish enough to say that I wanted more time with him, but I know that he is in Heaven worshipping Jesus and that I'll see him again.
My grandpa truly taught me what unconditional love looked like, what sacrificial love looked like, he would do anything for his family, especially my grandma; they were married for almost 63 years and I don't think anyone man could have loved any woman more. He taught me what a husband should be, and my husband is pretty close ;)
I will miss him for the rest of my life and I will regale Lucas with tales of Paul Truett Butler for as long as my memory will hold out, because he was a great man, a man who loved Jesus, a man who loved his family, a man who loved me, and I loved him just as fiercely.
Reading together!
Dancing at my wedding :)
Visiting him on his birthday just a few weeks before he passed away.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
What's Next?!
Whelp....I'm officially done with college. Yesterday I walked out of my last class and wondered.."ummm....ok...now what". It's not like I'm a 22 year old partier that is going to spend my "first night of freedom" drinking my cares away, I came home and did laundry actually, lol. But I felt the same type of feelings as I did in June when I walked in graduation; a certain level of anxiety about what to do next.
I don't know if it's just me or if it's anyone whose finished school, but it's a VERY strange feeling to know that I DON'T HAVE ANY HOMEWORK!!! Not like, "my next class doesn't start for another couple of weeks" no homework, but really and truly...NO HOMEWORK! I already volunteer in several areas at my church so I don't really need anything else to fill up missing hours, I was already cramming homework into those hours, it's more like "how is the removal of that stress going to affect my life?" This is a stress that my husband and my son and I have lived with for almost 5 years!
I started college in January of 2010 when my son was not yet 3 and he's never really known a time when Mom didn't have homework or a class to go to and I'm excited about the fact that I have these hours back, but also wondering if I will be able to fill the time! Don't get me wrong, I know that time will keep marching on, but I'm wondering if I will be bored, so to speak. I like being busy, and while I am, most times, VERY busy, I do enjoy the rush of completing that assignment and getting it turned in and that feeling of accomplishment. I will miss that.
I will miss college. I have met some very good friends in my years at the University of Phoenix, I have enjoyed most of my classes, lol. The most interesting paper I got to write was about a case study on Ted Bundy, my favorite paper I got to write was a compare/contrast paper about To Kill A Mockingbird book vs. movie. I've had two favorite presentations, one was when my team and I had to pretend to be a news team and we went the whole nine yards! We dressed up, brought in cameras, made name tags and went for it! My other favorite presentation was one a friend and did where we had to compare and contrast Loki and Bart Simpson. I've had two favorite teachers, one who taught my last class, Mr. Steven Denlinger, and the other was Erin McGibbon Smith, they are VERY different in their styles but VERY, VERY gifted teachers.
I may head back to school in the future in pursuit of a few more initials after my name, but for now, I'll fill those hours with laundry, baking, scrubbing toilets, bible study and being a wife and mom....which isn't boring in the slightest.
First Day of School January 21, 2010 I'm in the back row on the far right
Last day of school September 27, 2014! Still on the far right, lol!!
Graduation day! June 21, 2014
I don't know if it's just me or if it's anyone whose finished school, but it's a VERY strange feeling to know that I DON'T HAVE ANY HOMEWORK!!! Not like, "my next class doesn't start for another couple of weeks" no homework, but really and truly...NO HOMEWORK! I already volunteer in several areas at my church so I don't really need anything else to fill up missing hours, I was already cramming homework into those hours, it's more like "how is the removal of that stress going to affect my life?" This is a stress that my husband and my son and I have lived with for almost 5 years!
I started college in January of 2010 when my son was not yet 3 and he's never really known a time when Mom didn't have homework or a class to go to and I'm excited about the fact that I have these hours back, but also wondering if I will be able to fill the time! Don't get me wrong, I know that time will keep marching on, but I'm wondering if I will be bored, so to speak. I like being busy, and while I am, most times, VERY busy, I do enjoy the rush of completing that assignment and getting it turned in and that feeling of accomplishment. I will miss that.
I will miss college. I have met some very good friends in my years at the University of Phoenix, I have enjoyed most of my classes, lol. The most interesting paper I got to write was about a case study on Ted Bundy, my favorite paper I got to write was a compare/contrast paper about To Kill A Mockingbird book vs. movie. I've had two favorite presentations, one was when my team and I had to pretend to be a news team and we went the whole nine yards! We dressed up, brought in cameras, made name tags and went for it! My other favorite presentation was one a friend and did where we had to compare and contrast Loki and Bart Simpson. I've had two favorite teachers, one who taught my last class, Mr. Steven Denlinger, and the other was Erin McGibbon Smith, they are VERY different in their styles but VERY, VERY gifted teachers.
I may head back to school in the future in pursuit of a few more initials after my name, but for now, I'll fill those hours with laundry, baking, scrubbing toilets, bible study and being a wife and mom....which isn't boring in the slightest.
First Day of School January 21, 2010 I'm in the back row on the far right
Last day of school September 27, 2014! Still on the far right, lol!!
Graduation day! June 21, 2014
Monday, August 18, 2014
I Miss Being Fat
The title is accurate. I miss being fat. As you'll see in the picture at the end of this post, I was fat. I topped out about 2.5 years ago at 350lbs. When I say I miss being fat I don't mean I miss how I felt physically, I guess what I mean is that I miss knowing where I stood in society. I was on the bottom rung on the ladder of life and I KNEW that, while maybe I wasn't happy there, at least I knew my place. Now that I'm 170lbs lighter, my social status fluctuates according to where I am and who I'm around.
When I'm with my family and friends or when I'm at church, let me tell you, I am on top of that ladder, lol, but then, out in public, everything changes. I will give you a few examples of this. Last April I drove cross-country with a friend of mine and I was wearing pair of jeans. It got warm in the car and I pulled the hem of the jeans up so they looked like long shorts. We stop in Ohio at one of their "plaza" things (which are really cool, btw) and I'm in the bathroom and I finish up and after washing my hands next to these two women I start to walk out and hear this woman say to her friend "why do skinny B*tches always wear their pants like that?" I walked out of that bathroom with the biggest smile on my face!! My friend was dumbfounded that something like that would make me smile.
My next example is several examples of the fact that I get hit on. Something that NEVER happened to me. Just the other day as a matter of fact, I was IN TRAFFIC, and a guy noticed my blue and green tattoo and Seahawks flags on my car and this conversation happens
Jeep - "nice tattoo (wink, smile)"
Me - Thanks
Jeep -""where ya watchin the game? (wink, smile)"
Me - "with my husband! (BIG SMILE)"
Jeep - (returns smile) "Alright!"
Going into public places in cause for different anxieties. I no longer worry that people are making fun of my 200 extra pounds, now I worry that my extra skin is bulging or sagging on my upper body or legs and arms. Or that everything that society tells me I should care about looking like won't be represented any particular moment. Sometimes it doesn't bother me but then, sometimes it does and there's no real way of telling when that might strike. But then I think that's universal.
I think there is a myth or misconception, however that people who have this surgery are suddenly cured of every insecurity they've every had. Let me tell you that is categorically untrue. I am still 350lbs in my head. I still don't recognize myself in mirrors sometimes. I still spend a few extra minutes looking at myself in a mirror every now and then (however vain that sounds) because frankly I'm just so surprised that It's me looking back.
Looking back at my 350lbs life, I couldn't move. I was in my mid-thirties married over 10 years to a wonderful man, we had a young son and I could not participate in our life.
Don't get me wrong, until that point, I had tried everything. I had done everything under the sun, diets, exercise, The Biggest Loser! Pretty much anything that said it would help me lose weight, I was gonna try! None of those things worked. I did not have the capacity (will power) to put down the food. I was the girl who was shoveling in her third Big Mac (true story), I was the girl who would go to dinner with her family, eat a FULL MEAL then go home and have a bowl of cereal. I was a bottomless pit.
So, in 2011, after some inquiring, my husband and I discovered that his insurance would pay for gastric bypass surgery (if I jumped through several qualifying "hoops"). So, my first step was to go to a seminar by a local doctor. From there I had to make my initial consultation appointment. They let me know that according to my insurance I would need:
A) 6 months nutritional counseling
B) a psychological evaluation
C) complete medical evaluation and several tests
As you may realize this was not going to be the quick process I had been hoping for. The insurance also was hoping that during my nutritional counseling I would be able to lose 10% of my body weight, which at the time was 35lbs. I told my nutritionist, Gretchen, that if I was able to lose that much weight I probably wouldn't be sitting in her office in the first place! :)
She was wonderful. She taught me about portion sizes and calories and how our food choices effect us. Things I already knew, but it was nice to get a professionals opinion.
I had the psych eval (basically consisting of the Meyers/Briggs test) and the medical tests and surgery was scheduled for April 17, 2012.
I'll go into those details later. :)
When I'm with my family and friends or when I'm at church, let me tell you, I am on top of that ladder, lol, but then, out in public, everything changes. I will give you a few examples of this. Last April I drove cross-country with a friend of mine and I was wearing pair of jeans. It got warm in the car and I pulled the hem of the jeans up so they looked like long shorts. We stop in Ohio at one of their "plaza" things (which are really cool, btw) and I'm in the bathroom and I finish up and after washing my hands next to these two women I start to walk out and hear this woman say to her friend "why do skinny B*tches always wear their pants like that?" I walked out of that bathroom with the biggest smile on my face!! My friend was dumbfounded that something like that would make me smile.
My next example is several examples of the fact that I get hit on. Something that NEVER happened to me. Just the other day as a matter of fact, I was IN TRAFFIC, and a guy noticed my blue and green tattoo and Seahawks flags on my car and this conversation happens
Jeep - "nice tattoo (wink, smile)"
Me - Thanks
Jeep -""where ya watchin the game? (wink, smile)"
Me - "with my husband! (BIG SMILE)"
Jeep - (returns smile) "Alright!"
Going into public places in cause for different anxieties. I no longer worry that people are making fun of my 200 extra pounds, now I worry that my extra skin is bulging or sagging on my upper body or legs and arms. Or that everything that society tells me I should care about looking like won't be represented any particular moment. Sometimes it doesn't bother me but then, sometimes it does and there's no real way of telling when that might strike. But then I think that's universal.
I think there is a myth or misconception, however that people who have this surgery are suddenly cured of every insecurity they've every had. Let me tell you that is categorically untrue. I am still 350lbs in my head. I still don't recognize myself in mirrors sometimes. I still spend a few extra minutes looking at myself in a mirror every now and then (however vain that sounds) because frankly I'm just so surprised that It's me looking back.
Looking back at my 350lbs life, I couldn't move. I was in my mid-thirties married over 10 years to a wonderful man, we had a young son and I could not participate in our life.
Don't get me wrong, until that point, I had tried everything. I had done everything under the sun, diets, exercise, The Biggest Loser! Pretty much anything that said it would help me lose weight, I was gonna try! None of those things worked. I did not have the capacity (will power) to put down the food. I was the girl who was shoveling in her third Big Mac (true story), I was the girl who would go to dinner with her family, eat a FULL MEAL then go home and have a bowl of cereal. I was a bottomless pit.
So, in 2011, after some inquiring, my husband and I discovered that his insurance would pay for gastric bypass surgery (if I jumped through several qualifying "hoops"). So, my first step was to go to a seminar by a local doctor. From there I had to make my initial consultation appointment. They let me know that according to my insurance I would need:
A) 6 months nutritional counseling
B) a psychological evaluation
C) complete medical evaluation and several tests
As you may realize this was not going to be the quick process I had been hoping for. The insurance also was hoping that during my nutritional counseling I would be able to lose 10% of my body weight, which at the time was 35lbs. I told my nutritionist, Gretchen, that if I was able to lose that much weight I probably wouldn't be sitting in her office in the first place! :)
She was wonderful. She taught me about portion sizes and calories and how our food choices effect us. Things I already knew, but it was nice to get a professionals opinion.
I had the psych eval (basically consisting of the Meyers/Briggs test) and the medical tests and surgery was scheduled for April 17, 2012.
I'll go into those details later. :)
Me and my beautiful niece at my son's first birthday party in 2008. This was about 4 years from my heaviest weight.
This is just after Christmas of 2013 wearing my husbands Doug Baldwin jersey! This is about 30lbs from my lightest weight :) It's a new experience to be able to wear my husbands clothes :)
This is the winter of 2013 I went to a local "big girl" clothing store and put on a pair of the pants I used to wear and posted it on Facebook with the caption "LITERALLY half my size".
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Refections
Is it odd that this
would be my first blog post in amost 4 years?!
I’m generally such a happy-go-lucky person! I’m outgoing (to the outside world), I love
to laugh – and make people laugh, and I struggle and have led a decades-long
struggle with depression, I guess my leap to thinking about Robin Williams wasn’t
that big of a leap after all….In the words of another song (you’ll notice that
I tend to speak in movie quotes and song lyrics) J “guess we’re really
not that different…me and you…” Collin Raye
So, while I have my
music on shuffle it comes across the Glee version of “Pure Imagination” (please
withhold your judgment) J and it
contains the line “if you want to view paradise, simply look around and view
it” and from there my warped little mind jumped (however irrationally), to the
suicide of Robin Williams.
As someone who has
battled an almost lifelong battle with depression, (I was diagnosed at 18) I
get it. I was put on Prozac at 18 and stayed on it until I was about 32, off
and on; I also was on a different anti-depressant while I was pregnant with my
son. And even while I was on anti-depressants I wanted
it to be over, even through the haze that comes along with those medications I was
still sad, I was still…magoo (as I call it now). I
understand what the overwhelming desire is to have the pain stop, to stop feeling
so sad, to stop wanting to sleep the day away, to stop wanting to go somewhere
but wanting to go back home as soon as you were outside the house. But I also
understand now, as I didn’t until 8 or 9 years ago that there is ultimate hope.
I understand too, the people that are too “chicken” to end it, and therefore
hold people like Robin Williams in higher esteem for having the courage, which
sends a dangerous message, but perhaps it will send a positive mental health
message too. I understand wishing you could get in a car accident but not have
it be your fault so your family could still get an insurance pay out. I assume
because I’m still here that Christ had a larger purpose for me because I chose
not to kill myself, though at times, literally, the only reason I didn’t was
because my mother had told me that she would be mad at me if I had ever killed
myself. I still don’t know what that larger purpose is, but now I guess you
could say that because I have accepted a saving faith in Jesus, I’m willing to
fulfill it. There are news reporters that
have been blasted because of using the word “coward” in reference to Robin
Williams’ act; other authors have used the word “choice” and I for one
agree. This was a choice and an act of
cowardice. No one held a gun to his head
and forced this upon him, while he may have been seeking an end to his suffering
or he may have used terms in head that he was seeking to rid those in this life
from having to “deal with him”, it was a selfish act. Robin Williams has tossed his wife and
children into chaos. And to an
exponentially lesser extent, the people who admired him. He was loved; whether or not he chose to
acknowledge that fact is paramount. He
was loved by his children, he was loved by his wife, he was loved by friends and
he was loved by a God that sacrificed His own life. If Robin Williams had had the hope that lies
in that knowledge perhaps he would not have made the choice that he made this
week. Maybe he would have made the
choice(s) that I made and that many other people have made over the years and
that is to keep living, to just keep putting one foot in front of the
other. To keep having faith that God has
a greater purpose for your life and that He is the one in charge of my life is
the ultimate reassurance in life. Philippians 4:6-7 says: “be anxious for nothing, but in everything by
prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to
God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your
hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Which is SO hard to do, but really, really, REALLY the only thing
that will bring lasting peace is Jesus!
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