I really do believe that children are better off when they are surrounded by family. Functional (lol, relatively), uplifting and caring family.
I am fortunate to have a very large family; both biological and non-biological. My immediate family is just my younger brother, our parents and I, but when I was a kid I was very close with my cousins and felt that they were like brothers and sisters. My brother wasn't born until I was 12, so I had a few years to wait!
Now that I'm a functioning adult (relatively) my family has gotten even bigger, from work friends, college friends and church friends, to my youth group teens growing up and becoming peers I've learned that my son is a better person for having known each and every one of them.
I'll give you some examples:
Max D. - He is compassionate, sensitive and great at sports. Max may be a man of few words but they are usually powerful. Either powerfully funny or powerfully mid blowing. Max will challenge you. Max is that friend everyone wants to have.
Angela W, - She has a warehouse full of energy somewhere, and she can play her thumbs like a flute, Angie will fight for you and with you until you just can't go on, but she'll pick you up and carry you the rest of the way, because she's gonna WIN!!
Nate A. - Probably the most talented musician I know, he's incredible. Nate has taught me to grieve. And that although I know grieving is something we need to do, we absolutely shouldn't feel ashamed when we can't handle it anymore. Funny part is that he never knew how much he was teaching me.
Tyler T. - He could teach classes on thoughtfulness and how to be a friend. Tyler and I are a lot alike! We are both the friend that is "the" friend that thinks of everything. Tyler has taught me that's it's ok to say no. Even though we both get the word stuck in our throats, there are actually other people on the planet, and we don't have to do it all ourselves...I know...I was surprised too.
Janie A. - She is the kindest person I know and gives and gives and gives. Our adventures and trips should be recorded because we have the best time together. Truly, I never have as good a time with anyone as I do with my mom. She's my hero.
Emily S. - My bookworm, has died a thousand deaths and vividly feels them all. She has traveled to a million places and spent WAY too much times getting through customs! She's a beautiful dancer with a servant's heart and witty snark!
Bizzie A. - Saying that she's a talented dancer is like making Picasso paint houses. She's astounding, Bizzie has taught me to really LOVE loving something. Especially something your good at. When she dances her eyes will light up a room. THAT is her spot...Sheldon.
Matt O. - He gives new meaning to the term tough. He makes me proud to know him. He is one that is carving his path in life. Sometimes, when I was at this age, while I was carving my path I felt like sometimes I had a bulldozer and other days I was using a spoon. Matty reminds me that we need to trust that God knows what he's doing.
Colin K. - Genuinely doesn't realize the impact that his positivity has on people and how whenever anyone is around him, we are all that much richer.
Corey K. - One of the funniest people I know, that doesn't have to try for jokes, he has excellent comedic timing.
Colton L. - Seems shy at first (don't they all) but when he comes out of his shell, look out! I would like for him to teach classes about the relaxing nature of silence.
Dana T. - She IS Pinterest. Her home and her family are cared for with such tenderness and love that it's inspiring.
Tiger G. - Resilience. Getting back up when you've messed up, or when you've gotten in your own way and telling God that you're willing to let him lead this time.
Pam K.- Working towards a goal or a project. Pam will not stop until it's done! I love that about her! She won't be the boss that is having a break while their staff is working tirelessly! Pam is there with you!
Travis A. - Genuine. What you see is what you get with Travis. He won't lie to you, but you'd better not lie to him either! He maintains a pretty tough guy exterior, but is really marshmallow fluff inside.
Amy M. - We haven't "seen" each other since high school, but we chat all the time and I know that she is astonishing! I am in awe of her everyday, She helps remind me that the Lord won't give you more than you can handle, even if you think your hands are full,
Andrea E. - She reminds me that beauty is everywhere, We just have to look for it. She inspires me.
Michelle S. - Michelle has taught me and continually shows me that family is the most important thing (after Jesus) and to never be afraid to be exactly who you are. You are fabulous, why on EARTH would you want to be less than fabulous?!
Norma B.- Norma taught me that kindness is never wasted. Ever. Give of yourself and let the Lord work out the rest. It doesn't matter to us what someone does with our kindness, we gave a kindness in God's name and to God's name be the glory.
Abby H. - Adaptability. Abby has taught me that what some people might think is weird, is all about perception.
Rigby W.- Rigby taught me that love is a powerful thing. When you give a gift with love and faith that it absolutely doesn't matter what the gift is, how it's wrapped or if there's a bow. Pure, childhood abandon in gift-giving is tear jerking and heart-filling.
Ray A. - He has taught me that simple things can make a huge difference in someone's life. Taking your time to make a little girl feel like she's not a burden and that she's worth loving have had repercussions he can't possibly understand.
Ellie H. - Grit. She's never been one to follow the crowd. She is Robert Frost. Ellie is taking the road less traveled and I'm pretty sure it's gonna make a difference...blaze your trail Ellie.
Paul T.B. - Taught me how to properly eat Oreo's. Sat with me to watch A Charlie Brown's Christmas for the first time, then explained why what Linus had to say was so important and why it was so much more than a silly dancing dog and droopy tree. "He dropped his blanket, because he was secure in the Lord".
Paul C.B. - That horrors you've been through don't have to stay there and occupy space. Let Jesus heal that pain of battle and let Him comfort you.
Austin W. - That my heart can break into many more pieces than I thought was possible. Austin has taught me about forgiveness and what it means to "want to want to" when you're just not there yet but trusting God is gonna get you there.
Jay M.- He has taught me that even when you're going through a hard time, keep praying, keep smiling, and don't forget to call your Mama; and when it comes to plagiarism - we just don't do it
Trace F. - How to describe what Trace has taught me. He has taught me how to really,,,,be. Trace is compassionate, considerate and humble. He is funny, weird and tells inappropriate jokes. We are very different and perfect for each other. He taught me how it feels to really love someone and to be loved in return. If our son is half the man that his father is, he is already set.
This is just a VERY small sampling of my "family" but as you can see, they have all impacted me mightily. I honestly don't know if I have to vocabulary to express how much I love them and how much I appreciate them.
I would encourage you to look around your own "family" and take a closer look at your flock of ducks! What have they taught you? What have you learned from them?
More importantly, look back at yourself and ask what they are learning from you.
Thursday, January 26, 2017
Monday, October 17, 2016
The (not so) Great Divide
I honestly don't even know where to begin. So many things clogging up my brain!
Several of my family members are in a health crisis, we have two "less than desirable" candidates vying to run our country, upheaval across the country in racial divides and a lack of trust/support in our police officers.
I'll start with the police officers because that one seems the most "simple" to put it very mildly. Across the country Americans are saying (and rightly so) that you cannot judge someone based on their skin color, that you cannot know a person based on what they look like. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE! Why then, I wonder, can the same principle not be applied to police officers? Is EVERY person "in blue" to be judged the same? Yes, there are a few bad apples in every bunch, but that is true for every group of people and every demographic. I guess, my question is, why is it ok to say that you can't judge a black person and assume they're up to no good based on skin color (cause, DUH, you can't!) when it seems the same people that are raising this battle cry are using the same process against police officers. Yes, SOME police officers may take their authority too far, but definitely not all of them. It seems to me that arguments like that are simply trying to put out a fire with gasoline.
As far as the racial divides in our country go, mostly what I have to say about that is: just stop it! People are people. I did not live through the 1960s so my knowledge of the civil rights movement is from history books and my grandparents and parents, but I do know that racism is taught. My mother grew up in Mississippi in the early 1960s, (picture an adorable little white girl), and she told me a story once about her wanting to play with a neighbor girl down the road, and the girls father held out a finger and told my mom that she shouldn't be down this way and led her home. The only reason she shouldn't have been down that way was because the other family was black. This makes me sick. My mom said she remembers wondering why she wasn't allowed to play there but she took the mans hand and he walked her home. My grandfather was also raised in Mississippi, he easily could have taught his children to avoid/dislike black people, but he didn't. Because my grandfather, who grew up in the 1930s south knew better than what was being taught around him. His parents knew that people are people, created by God to love and be loved.
I think when we stop segregating achievements we will maybe truly have integrated our country. Please don't get me wrong, I understand that getting an award or discovering a planet or something is a big deal, but why must we so narrowly pigeon hole everything? When a person of any sort of ethnicity is given an award or gains an achievement, why do we need to add an asterisk? Why does it need to be "Jane Doe, wins the Harvey Porter Award, *The second black woman to win). While I understand the reason for saying things like that, I think it only furthers the divide.
I dislike that America is called a "melting pot" I disagree. Come with me on this :) Say you have 15 different cheeses and you put them all in a pot to melt together, when they're all melted and liquid, can you then pull out the Cheddar from the Asiago? NO! Because they have become ONE! If you want to think of America in terms of potted food, how about a chowder? Some of it has blended together but you can still pull out individual chunks that distinguish themselves from the rest! Isn't that the way we want it? We don't want "Stepford America" we love the different cultures and backgrounds that we have everywhere! Considering that technically most of us are immigrants (from however far back we need to go) we've kept parts of our cultures intact! We celebrate Cinco de Mayo, St. Patrick's Day, some even celebrate Bastille day! We should be encouraging our kids to step outside of their "Mayberry's or Leave it to Beaver, heck or even Springfield or Quahog" to see beyond what they see with their eyes. .
Please understand that these are just my opinions and I'm sure if I ran for president I would lose handily lol, but I take heart in the fact that God has not only a plan for us, but this election, and it's...erm...candidates...have a purpose.
I know that as a country we need to do better. Better for OUR citizens, elderly, children, people that just need a helping hand, before we continue to throw billions at other countries. There's nothing wrong with people coming to our country, heck, that's how most of our relatives got here, right? But the system is broken, many of our countries systems are broken, don't get me started on healthcare lol, that's a whole 'nother post!
I think it boils down to prayer, faith and trust. Trust that God hears your prayers and have faith that He is doing what is best for us.
Several of my family members are in a health crisis, we have two "less than desirable" candidates vying to run our country, upheaval across the country in racial divides and a lack of trust/support in our police officers.
I'll start with the police officers because that one seems the most "simple" to put it very mildly. Across the country Americans are saying (and rightly so) that you cannot judge someone based on their skin color, that you cannot know a person based on what they look like. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE! Why then, I wonder, can the same principle not be applied to police officers? Is EVERY person "in blue" to be judged the same? Yes, there are a few bad apples in every bunch, but that is true for every group of people and every demographic. I guess, my question is, why is it ok to say that you can't judge a black person and assume they're up to no good based on skin color (cause, DUH, you can't!) when it seems the same people that are raising this battle cry are using the same process against police officers. Yes, SOME police officers may take their authority too far, but definitely not all of them. It seems to me that arguments like that are simply trying to put out a fire with gasoline.
As far as the racial divides in our country go, mostly what I have to say about that is: just stop it! People are people. I did not live through the 1960s so my knowledge of the civil rights movement is from history books and my grandparents and parents, but I do know that racism is taught. My mother grew up in Mississippi in the early 1960s, (picture an adorable little white girl), and she told me a story once about her wanting to play with a neighbor girl down the road, and the girls father held out a finger and told my mom that she shouldn't be down this way and led her home. The only reason she shouldn't have been down that way was because the other family was black. This makes me sick. My mom said she remembers wondering why she wasn't allowed to play there but she took the mans hand and he walked her home. My grandfather was also raised in Mississippi, he easily could have taught his children to avoid/dislike black people, but he didn't. Because my grandfather, who grew up in the 1930s south knew better than what was being taught around him. His parents knew that people are people, created by God to love and be loved.
I think when we stop segregating achievements we will maybe truly have integrated our country. Please don't get me wrong, I understand that getting an award or discovering a planet or something is a big deal, but why must we so narrowly pigeon hole everything? When a person of any sort of ethnicity is given an award or gains an achievement, why do we need to add an asterisk? Why does it need to be "Jane Doe, wins the Harvey Porter Award, *The second black woman to win). While I understand the reason for saying things like that, I think it only furthers the divide.
I dislike that America is called a "melting pot" I disagree. Come with me on this :) Say you have 15 different cheeses and you put them all in a pot to melt together, when they're all melted and liquid, can you then pull out the Cheddar from the Asiago? NO! Because they have become ONE! If you want to think of America in terms of potted food, how about a chowder? Some of it has blended together but you can still pull out individual chunks that distinguish themselves from the rest! Isn't that the way we want it? We don't want "Stepford America" we love the different cultures and backgrounds that we have everywhere! Considering that technically most of us are immigrants (from however far back we need to go) we've kept parts of our cultures intact! We celebrate Cinco de Mayo, St. Patrick's Day, some even celebrate Bastille day! We should be encouraging our kids to step outside of their "Mayberry's or Leave it to Beaver, heck or even Springfield or Quahog" to see beyond what they see with their eyes. .
Please understand that these are just my opinions and I'm sure if I ran for president I would lose handily lol, but I take heart in the fact that God has not only a plan for us, but this election, and it's...erm...candidates...have a purpose.
I know that as a country we need to do better. Better for OUR citizens, elderly, children, people that just need a helping hand, before we continue to throw billions at other countries. There's nothing wrong with people coming to our country, heck, that's how most of our relatives got here, right? But the system is broken, many of our countries systems are broken, don't get me started on healthcare lol, that's a whole 'nother post!
I think it boils down to prayer, faith and trust. Trust that God hears your prayers and have faith that He is doing what is best for us.
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Picking at scars.
To say that I'm a "thinker" is a vast understatement; I'm an "over thinker" of the worst kind. Simple statements made to me can have me picking them apart for hours, days and even longer! I love people hugely and unabashedly. I spent a lot of time in my younger years, trying not to be noticed, until I realized that "HEY! Maybe someone needs or wants to hear what I have to say too"! Frankly, at this point, I tend to say things whether or not it's needed or wanted!
The point of this particular writing, is attachment. I get attached to people very easily. I am very sentimental and very thoughtful. Have you ever wanted to have that friend that would remember you said you like blue elephant pencil toppers (or something just as random) during a conversation 7 months ago and surprise you with it for your birthday? That's me. I have a knack for remembering birthday's and other small details about people that honestly I have to keep to myself sometimes so I don't sound like a psycho!
I tend to dive into friendships with both feet, lol, I'm kind of like a puppy, I'm just so happy to have a friend and to be a friend that I so very often overlook painfully obvious signs of being used by people. I help too often, I give too frequently, and I care too much, at least this is what I'm told by some. I get my heart broken sometimes.
It hurts when a friend moves on without you. Especially when for years they were as close as family. I try to remember that God sometimes puts people in our lives for a season and not for a lifetime, and that the lessons to be learned may not be something that was for me but for the other person, part of me prays that I was a helping hand and not a stumbling block for them, the other part of me is in pain. I also try to remember that when God takes someone out of our lives, we need to let them go. Too often, we try to hold onto something that isn't what God knows is in anyone's best interest. I feel like it's when we're kids and we want to touch that red thing on the stove, mom says it's hot, but maybe we just need to see for ourselves, so we reach out and touch it and we get burned and realize that mom was right! She was trying to look out for us, but we had to get hurt to realize that if we'd listened to her we wouldn't have had to go through that.
The part of me that misses my friend still gets a stabbing feeling in my heart when I see some of those old pictures or think of some of those hundreds of memories. We went through a lot together, and the optimistic, happy puppy side of me thought we'd be friends forever. I'll get over it. Don't roll your eyes! I will!! I'm sure in some way I will always miss my friend, I don't know that I've ever had a friend like that, nor if I ever will, or for that matter, if I even can again.
I can still have friends of course! I can be a GREAT friend!! I AM a great friend and I will help too often, and give too frequently, and care too much about my friends! Because that's what friends do! But I won't forget the friend that took too much.
I learned again in the last few months that Godly forgiveness means forgiving a person even when that other person didn't say they were sorry. It's very true, it's VERY difficult to forgive at all, especially when the person you're forgiving isn't apologizing! But, again, I was reminded in last few months that when you hold onto bitterness or anger it's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
I am surrounded by wonderful, God-loving, God-fearing, amazing, people. I don't think there are enough adjectives to describe them! They pray for me, they encourage me, and they are my friends. We laugh, we cry, we talk in funny voices, we comfort, we console, we grieve and we worship together.
The point of this particular writing, is attachment. I get attached to people very easily. I am very sentimental and very thoughtful. Have you ever wanted to have that friend that would remember you said you like blue elephant pencil toppers (or something just as random) during a conversation 7 months ago and surprise you with it for your birthday? That's me. I have a knack for remembering birthday's and other small details about people that honestly I have to keep to myself sometimes so I don't sound like a psycho!
I tend to dive into friendships with both feet, lol, I'm kind of like a puppy, I'm just so happy to have a friend and to be a friend that I so very often overlook painfully obvious signs of being used by people. I help too often, I give too frequently, and I care too much, at least this is what I'm told by some. I get my heart broken sometimes.
It hurts when a friend moves on without you. Especially when for years they were as close as family. I try to remember that God sometimes puts people in our lives for a season and not for a lifetime, and that the lessons to be learned may not be something that was for me but for the other person, part of me prays that I was a helping hand and not a stumbling block for them, the other part of me is in pain. I also try to remember that when God takes someone out of our lives, we need to let them go. Too often, we try to hold onto something that isn't what God knows is in anyone's best interest. I feel like it's when we're kids and we want to touch that red thing on the stove, mom says it's hot, but maybe we just need to see for ourselves, so we reach out and touch it and we get burned and realize that mom was right! She was trying to look out for us, but we had to get hurt to realize that if we'd listened to her we wouldn't have had to go through that.
The part of me that misses my friend still gets a stabbing feeling in my heart when I see some of those old pictures or think of some of those hundreds of memories. We went through a lot together, and the optimistic, happy puppy side of me thought we'd be friends forever. I'll get over it. Don't roll your eyes! I will!! I'm sure in some way I will always miss my friend, I don't know that I've ever had a friend like that, nor if I ever will, or for that matter, if I even can again.
I can still have friends of course! I can be a GREAT friend!! I AM a great friend and I will help too often, and give too frequently, and care too much about my friends! Because that's what friends do! But I won't forget the friend that took too much.
I learned again in the last few months that Godly forgiveness means forgiving a person even when that other person didn't say they were sorry. It's very true, it's VERY difficult to forgive at all, especially when the person you're forgiving isn't apologizing! But, again, I was reminded in last few months that when you hold onto bitterness or anger it's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
I am surrounded by wonderful, God-loving, God-fearing, amazing, people. I don't think there are enough adjectives to describe them! They pray for me, they encourage me, and they are my friends. We laugh, we cry, we talk in funny voices, we comfort, we console, we grieve and we worship together.
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Fathers
I've been thinking lately about fathers. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. In my circle of friends and family I've seen all of the above. This post however is not to offer a critique I guess but more to ask a few questions and state a few things that I don't understand.
I don't understand a father that is uninterested in his child(ren). Or a father that uses his children as leverage or as bait.
I understand the basic principle that it's rooted in selfishness and a desire to put self above all else, and I get that mothers (usually) are wired differently, but maybe it's my experiences with my own biological father and some fathers around me that have me scratching my head.
Do absent fathers or "barely there" fathers understand what they're doing to their kids? I'm kind of torn on this one, on one hand I hope they don't know because it's just painful to witness, and on the other hand, I hope they DO know, because they should know what they're causing. Being "abandoned", "forgotten", "dismissed" or "rejected" messes with a kid.
When your dad is supposed to pick you up at 3 and he doesn't get there until 3:30 or 3:45 that matters to a kid. When calls don't come, or holiday gifts are "lost in the mail" or visits get constantly rescheduled it matters to a kid.
Children internalize things; the fact that their dad is late, to them, may mean that he's late because he doesn't want to be there. And that may not be the case, but generally speaking, if you want to be somewhere, you usually bother to show up on time.
I know that when I was a kid, it was so important for me to please my father, because I was so sure that the first time I did something wrong or displeasing, that he would disappear from my life again. So I would bend over backward to act the way I thought he wanted me to. I was a much better behaved person, more cooperative, less sassy than I was at my house.
In my mind, it was ok for me to be snarky and ill-behaved and "teenager-y" with my mom and dad (step-dad) because I knew they weren't going anywhere. They loved me unconditionally and proved it over and over again. I was unsure of my father.
It pains me to write this because even though I am well into adulthood, the sting of rejection is still there. I wonder if there is something I could've done better, something I shouldn't have done, or if I just wasn't the daughter he wanted?
But I do know that God works everything out for His glory and I have a wonderful dad, I had the worlds greatest grandpa and I have a Heavenly Father who loves me in spite of my failures.
In my circle of family and friends, I am surrounded by families that have AMAZING dads!! There are divorced families, single moms, step-families, and everything in between. There are dads that make me want to scream and cry and generally I just grit my teeth.
But then I see dads like my husband, who is everything I wished for a father for my child to have. He takes time for our son, he talks to him and with him, he teaches and guides, disciplines and instructs, he is a parent first, and then a friend.
I feel like I pretty much rambled through that, and I hope it made sense.
I don't understand a father that is uninterested in his child(ren). Or a father that uses his children as leverage or as bait.
I understand the basic principle that it's rooted in selfishness and a desire to put self above all else, and I get that mothers (usually) are wired differently, but maybe it's my experiences with my own biological father and some fathers around me that have me scratching my head.
Do absent fathers or "barely there" fathers understand what they're doing to their kids? I'm kind of torn on this one, on one hand I hope they don't know because it's just painful to witness, and on the other hand, I hope they DO know, because they should know what they're causing. Being "abandoned", "forgotten", "dismissed" or "rejected" messes with a kid.
When your dad is supposed to pick you up at 3 and he doesn't get there until 3:30 or 3:45 that matters to a kid. When calls don't come, or holiday gifts are "lost in the mail" or visits get constantly rescheduled it matters to a kid.
Children internalize things; the fact that their dad is late, to them, may mean that he's late because he doesn't want to be there. And that may not be the case, but generally speaking, if you want to be somewhere, you usually bother to show up on time.
I know that when I was a kid, it was so important for me to please my father, because I was so sure that the first time I did something wrong or displeasing, that he would disappear from my life again. So I would bend over backward to act the way I thought he wanted me to. I was a much better behaved person, more cooperative, less sassy than I was at my house.
In my mind, it was ok for me to be snarky and ill-behaved and "teenager-y" with my mom and dad (step-dad) because I knew they weren't going anywhere. They loved me unconditionally and proved it over and over again. I was unsure of my father.
It pains me to write this because even though I am well into adulthood, the sting of rejection is still there. I wonder if there is something I could've done better, something I shouldn't have done, or if I just wasn't the daughter he wanted?
But I do know that God works everything out for His glory and I have a wonderful dad, I had the worlds greatest grandpa and I have a Heavenly Father who loves me in spite of my failures.
In my circle of family and friends, I am surrounded by families that have AMAZING dads!! There are divorced families, single moms, step-families, and everything in between. There are dads that make me want to scream and cry and generally I just grit my teeth.
But then I see dads like my husband, who is everything I wished for a father for my child to have. He takes time for our son, he talks to him and with him, he teaches and guides, disciplines and instructs, he is a parent first, and then a friend.
I feel like I pretty much rambled through that, and I hope it made sense.
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Parenting Ain't For Sissies!
Sometimes parenting sucks.
I often wonder why there are such rigorous tests for becoming a licensed driver or to carry a firearm, but there are no qualifying tests to become a parent, any old dummy can do it.
There's no instruction manual that the hospital sends you home with, no "hey! you might wanna expect this in the next few years". Nope, they just make sure you have a car seat, and smile and wave you out the doors!
The first few years, looking back, were the easiest, if you're currently in those years, try not to despair! I heard a quote years ago that said "the days are endless, but the years fly by" this is the truest parenting statement I've ever heard. I was certain my son was going to be 5 weeks old forever, and then 8 months, and 19 months, 3 years...etc.
Take heart. They do get older. And with every new age comes a new challenge. My son is 8 (he'll be 9, June 27), and he already knows everything. :) He's not a sporty athletic kid, he's a reader; he likes video games, YouTube and his books. He's a deep thinker, a litigator (he will argue about EVERYTHING!), honest, thoughtful, sensitive and sweet. He's whiny, and emotional, and tends to get frustrated easily, and like most kids, thinks a Band-Aid will fix any bump.
As I only have one child, I'm learning vicariously through my cousins and friends kids and my youth group kids, what teenagers are like.
I know that they can be amazing, awesome, funny, entertaining, encouraging people that I love to be around! However, I also know that there is a dark side lol. I know that there is an underlying evilness (sort of) to teenagers.
I'm not sure what it is about the teenage years that turns kids into this....thing. But it seems to be universal, I'm sure if you asked my mother, she would tell you that I was no different during those years. There's an entitlement, an attitude, and an aloofness that is all rolled up into a ball of angst that builds into a wall of parental resentment.
Now, I know that not every teenager is like this, and that they're not like this all the time.
I know that when they reach the age of driving and girl/boy friends that they want some freedom, but what I don't understand is why they believe that freedom is something they deserve? Or once they have a license and a car, why they suddenly feel they are free to roam the country side as they please? Or why getting them to help around the house is a chore in itself? I feel like if you ask a kid to put the dishes away, you might was well have asked them to repave the driveway or change the oil in the car!
I've been trying to examine why it is that kids have the idea that they are entitled to do what they want when they want, and I think I may have come up with a possible answer....to some degree.
I tried to think of the way I thought when I was a teenager and what was going on around me and the responsibilities and duties I had at that age and I realized that I had a lot going on. When I was 16, I was in high school, had a job, had responsibilities at home and struggled with depression and emotional issues.
Not that every teenager has all of these issues but I realized that when I was a teenager, I had no idea what my parents were dealing with. I was concerned with my issues, I was dealing with MY homework, MY work schedule, MY feelings and so forth. So when my parents asked me to vacuum or put dishes away, I didn't see it as something that was legitimately helping them out, all I thought was "UGH! Don't you know what I'M going through!" I think the teenage years are about self discovery and finding out where we fit in, but it should also be about understanding where others fit into that dynamic as well.
While it may take some time for the realization that the outside world does in fact exist, they will get there I think. We were all teenagers, right? While we probably don't like to think that we were THAT bad...we probably were...just ask your mom!
I often wonder why there are such rigorous tests for becoming a licensed driver or to carry a firearm, but there are no qualifying tests to become a parent, any old dummy can do it.
There's no instruction manual that the hospital sends you home with, no "hey! you might wanna expect this in the next few years". Nope, they just make sure you have a car seat, and smile and wave you out the doors!
The first few years, looking back, were the easiest, if you're currently in those years, try not to despair! I heard a quote years ago that said "the days are endless, but the years fly by" this is the truest parenting statement I've ever heard. I was certain my son was going to be 5 weeks old forever, and then 8 months, and 19 months, 3 years...etc.
Take heart. They do get older. And with every new age comes a new challenge. My son is 8 (he'll be 9, June 27), and he already knows everything. :) He's not a sporty athletic kid, he's a reader; he likes video games, YouTube and his books. He's a deep thinker, a litigator (he will argue about EVERYTHING!), honest, thoughtful, sensitive and sweet. He's whiny, and emotional, and tends to get frustrated easily, and like most kids, thinks a Band-Aid will fix any bump.
As I only have one child, I'm learning vicariously through my cousins and friends kids and my youth group kids, what teenagers are like.
I know that they can be amazing, awesome, funny, entertaining, encouraging people that I love to be around! However, I also know that there is a dark side lol. I know that there is an underlying evilness (sort of) to teenagers.
I'm not sure what it is about the teenage years that turns kids into this....thing. But it seems to be universal, I'm sure if you asked my mother, she would tell you that I was no different during those years. There's an entitlement, an attitude, and an aloofness that is all rolled up into a ball of angst that builds into a wall of parental resentment.
Now, I know that not every teenager is like this, and that they're not like this all the time.
I know that when they reach the age of driving and girl/boy friends that they want some freedom, but what I don't understand is why they believe that freedom is something they deserve? Or once they have a license and a car, why they suddenly feel they are free to roam the country side as they please? Or why getting them to help around the house is a chore in itself? I feel like if you ask a kid to put the dishes away, you might was well have asked them to repave the driveway or change the oil in the car!
I've been trying to examine why it is that kids have the idea that they are entitled to do what they want when they want, and I think I may have come up with a possible answer....to some degree.
I tried to think of the way I thought when I was a teenager and what was going on around me and the responsibilities and duties I had at that age and I realized that I had a lot going on. When I was 16, I was in high school, had a job, had responsibilities at home and struggled with depression and emotional issues.
Not that every teenager has all of these issues but I realized that when I was a teenager, I had no idea what my parents were dealing with. I was concerned with my issues, I was dealing with MY homework, MY work schedule, MY feelings and so forth. So when my parents asked me to vacuum or put dishes away, I didn't see it as something that was legitimately helping them out, all I thought was "UGH! Don't you know what I'M going through!" I think the teenage years are about self discovery and finding out where we fit in, but it should also be about understanding where others fit into that dynamic as well.
While it may take some time for the realization that the outside world does in fact exist, they will get there I think. We were all teenagers, right? While we probably don't like to think that we were THAT bad...we probably were...just ask your mom!
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
This Youth Group Leaders Life :)
As you may have gathered given the sporadic appearance of these blog posts, I'm generally an emotional writer. :) I write when the mood, or emotion strikes. In this case, it was a particularly well spoken Tuesday night Youth Group talk last night.
I'll elaborate a little for you, if you don't know much about me, I am a high school youth group leader at my church. Christ's Church in Federal Way, WA or CCFW in the shorthand, lol. this is my 5th year leading teenaged girls through their tumultuous high school years and I believe I have found my calling. This year I have seniors, at least 3 of whom I have known for several years and I know their parents and it's a family type relationship! A few of the other girls, I only know them and of their families through their laughter, stories and tears.
To tell you what emotion got me writing this I have to go back several years, so bear with me...feel free to drift off if you've heard this part before. When my husband and I were married about a year (waaay back in 2002, we decided to try to have a baby! YAY!) we were CERTAIN that we would have NO trouble with this, we were (and are) the perfect couple! So how could this be difficult for us?! Not to toot our own horns but anyone who has spent 5 minutes with Trace and I know that we were meant to be :) well, to our great surprise, our baby bliss just wasn't happening! And because of some internal issues of mine, I never knew whether or I was need of a test or not! I swear I should have bought pregnancy tests at Costco!
Fast forward to early 2006, I had recently given my heart and life to the Lord and had a talk with Him one day and very candidly told Him (lol, imagine my gall, to tell HIM anything!) I said, "if You want us to be parents You'll make it happen, so I give up! This is all on You, only YOU can make this happen!" In November of 2006 the pregnancy test made a symbol we'd never seen before. The Amazon river bed couldn't hold the water of tears I cried in gratitude.
**this is just a funny aside, nothing to do with the actual point ;) I went to my doctor for a blood test THAT SAME DAY lol, and my doctor wasn't even in the office that day actually and I sat and waited 2 hours for the results, the receptionist, told me a couple of times that I could go home and they would call me with the results, but I smiled and told her no, I would wait.**
Ok! Now, That being said, after our son was born in 2007 we tried another 3 years with no success and in 2010 I ended up having to have a complete hysterectomy. No more biological babies for us. We were mostly ok with that.
In 2008, I think(?) I served a few years with the children's ministry at my church and while I LOVED my 5th graders (now in 11th grade) children's ministry just wasn't the right fit for me. While I was serving there I was also serving in the high school group of our Awana ministry, called Journey and I found I LOVED the energy and enthusiasm of the high schoolers!
So in 2011 after watching the youth groups annual VBS/Work Party trip to rural Montana presentation, I told the youth pastor at the time, that I REALLY wanted to be a part of the youth group, I probably hounded him and he probably only let me as a last resort lol!
I was put in as a leader with a group of 10th graders, I was SO nervous! I was instantly the new kid in school who didn't know who to sit with at lunch haha! While there was an adjustment period, they got used to me, and the other leader they had that year, and I got used to them, I grew to realize that serving the Lord isn't always about serving but being served.
I may not have been able to have anymore biological babies, but God knew exactly where I was headed and that if I had had more babies, that maybe I wouldn't have had the time or energy for youth group and all it entails. As I told one of my girls when they were at my house one night for one of our famous sleepover/cookie baking/movie watching/laughing/staying up way too late/fun fests, I know why God didn't give me any more babies...He was sending me you.
NOW! That you've waded through all of THAT! Here's that ACTUAL reason for this blog post haha!! Our youth pastor Caleb, teaches from the heart and from the brain at the same time! His teaching style reminds me of a quote I saw on Pinterest once (don't ask me who said it, I have no idea), but the quote was "follow your heart, but take your brain with you". I'm sure Caleb would have a bit more to add to that but that quote always reminds me of him. Caleb has the ability to be a friend to the kids without being overbearing yet at the same time can hit them over the head with a book and be like "STOP IT!!!" He's really great for our kids.
So in his Tuesday night talk time last night, Caleb talked about biblical discipline and biblical obedience. That parents are biblically called to instruct and discipline their children, while children are called to honor their parents.
No where in the bible does it say "honor thy mother and father....if they're honorable"! Nope, there are no qualifiers.
The part that got to me the most was that he was talking to a room full of 14-18ish year olds and told them "do you know how you spell LOVE to your parents? T-I-M-E". I was in tears. He is so right, parents don't want to rule your life or tell you what you should be doing 24 hours a day. We want to instruct and guide and then gently discipline so that you can (insert cheesy line) spread your wings and live your own life! We know you want to live independently, and be your own person, but I think that as parents, we can all agree that if we could just get one concept through your head (other than biblical principles and a love of God) we wish you could learn from OUR mistakes, and that with our rules and discipline and checking in and worry and even though you feel like we're constantly on your back. Just as God the Father loves us enough to correct us and discipline us, if we didn't love you, we wouldn't do those things.
My mom said something to me a couple of times that at the time she said it, made NO sense "this is going to hurt me, more than it hurts you". WHAT?!?! I'm the one getting a spanking!! I get it now. While I as a parent may not have an aching backside, my heart hurts when I have to discipline Lucas. Not only because I know there's a moment of pain, but because I wish he could have learned the lesson before a punishment was necessary. I know we all do things that require punishment, but just as we hate to punish our children, how much more must God have hated to see Jesus on that cross? He was punished for someone ELSE'S mistakes and sin! MINE! and YOURS! My heart hurts with gratitude.
I mess up. I hurt God's heart. But just like I love Lucas enough to go back and explain why he was punished and how to not to that again and how to go forward, God leaves us this example in the Bible.
I am loved. I am forgiven.
I'll elaborate a little for you, if you don't know much about me, I am a high school youth group leader at my church. Christ's Church in Federal Way, WA or CCFW in the shorthand, lol. this is my 5th year leading teenaged girls through their tumultuous high school years and I believe I have found my calling. This year I have seniors, at least 3 of whom I have known for several years and I know their parents and it's a family type relationship! A few of the other girls, I only know them and of their families through their laughter, stories and tears.
To tell you what emotion got me writing this I have to go back several years, so bear with me...feel free to drift off if you've heard this part before. When my husband and I were married about a year (waaay back in 2002, we decided to try to have a baby! YAY!) we were CERTAIN that we would have NO trouble with this, we were (and are) the perfect couple! So how could this be difficult for us?! Not to toot our own horns but anyone who has spent 5 minutes with Trace and I know that we were meant to be :) well, to our great surprise, our baby bliss just wasn't happening! And because of some internal issues of mine, I never knew whether or I was need of a test or not! I swear I should have bought pregnancy tests at Costco!
Fast forward to early 2006, I had recently given my heart and life to the Lord and had a talk with Him one day and very candidly told Him (lol, imagine my gall, to tell HIM anything!) I said, "if You want us to be parents You'll make it happen, so I give up! This is all on You, only YOU can make this happen!" In November of 2006 the pregnancy test made a symbol we'd never seen before. The Amazon river bed couldn't hold the water of tears I cried in gratitude.
**this is just a funny aside, nothing to do with the actual point ;) I went to my doctor for a blood test THAT SAME DAY lol, and my doctor wasn't even in the office that day actually and I sat and waited 2 hours for the results, the receptionist, told me a couple of times that I could go home and they would call me with the results, but I smiled and told her no, I would wait.**
Ok! Now, That being said, after our son was born in 2007 we tried another 3 years with no success and in 2010 I ended up having to have a complete hysterectomy. No more biological babies for us. We were mostly ok with that.
In 2008, I think(?) I served a few years with the children's ministry at my church and while I LOVED my 5th graders (now in 11th grade) children's ministry just wasn't the right fit for me. While I was serving there I was also serving in the high school group of our Awana ministry, called Journey and I found I LOVED the energy and enthusiasm of the high schoolers!
So in 2011 after watching the youth groups annual VBS/Work Party trip to rural Montana presentation, I told the youth pastor at the time, that I REALLY wanted to be a part of the youth group, I probably hounded him and he probably only let me as a last resort lol!
I was put in as a leader with a group of 10th graders, I was SO nervous! I was instantly the new kid in school who didn't know who to sit with at lunch haha! While there was an adjustment period, they got used to me, and the other leader they had that year, and I got used to them, I grew to realize that serving the Lord isn't always about serving but being served.
I may not have been able to have anymore biological babies, but God knew exactly where I was headed and that if I had had more babies, that maybe I wouldn't have had the time or energy for youth group and all it entails. As I told one of my girls when they were at my house one night for one of our famous sleepover/cookie baking/movie watching/laughing/staying up way too late/fun fests, I know why God didn't give me any more babies...He was sending me you.
NOW! That you've waded through all of THAT! Here's that ACTUAL reason for this blog post haha!! Our youth pastor Caleb, teaches from the heart and from the brain at the same time! His teaching style reminds me of a quote I saw on Pinterest once (don't ask me who said it, I have no idea), but the quote was "follow your heart, but take your brain with you". I'm sure Caleb would have a bit more to add to that but that quote always reminds me of him. Caleb has the ability to be a friend to the kids without being overbearing yet at the same time can hit them over the head with a book and be like "STOP IT!!!" He's really great for our kids.
So in his Tuesday night talk time last night, Caleb talked about biblical discipline and biblical obedience. That parents are biblically called to instruct and discipline their children, while children are called to honor their parents.
No where in the bible does it say "honor thy mother and father....if they're honorable"! Nope, there are no qualifiers.
The part that got to me the most was that he was talking to a room full of 14-18ish year olds and told them "do you know how you spell LOVE to your parents? T-I-M-E". I was in tears. He is so right, parents don't want to rule your life or tell you what you should be doing 24 hours a day. We want to instruct and guide and then gently discipline so that you can (insert cheesy line) spread your wings and live your own life! We know you want to live independently, and be your own person, but I think that as parents, we can all agree that if we could just get one concept through your head (other than biblical principles and a love of God) we wish you could learn from OUR mistakes, and that with our rules and discipline and checking in and worry and even though you feel like we're constantly on your back. Just as God the Father loves us enough to correct us and discipline us, if we didn't love you, we wouldn't do those things.
My mom said something to me a couple of times that at the time she said it, made NO sense "this is going to hurt me, more than it hurts you". WHAT?!?! I'm the one getting a spanking!! I get it now. While I as a parent may not have an aching backside, my heart hurts when I have to discipline Lucas. Not only because I know there's a moment of pain, but because I wish he could have learned the lesson before a punishment was necessary. I know we all do things that require punishment, but just as we hate to punish our children, how much more must God have hated to see Jesus on that cross? He was punished for someone ELSE'S mistakes and sin! MINE! and YOURS! My heart hurts with gratitude.
I mess up. I hurt God's heart. But just like I love Lucas enough to go back and explain why he was punished and how to not to that again and how to go forward, God leaves us this example in the Bible.
I am loved. I am forgiven.
Monday, September 28, 2015
Blessed by my Cousins
When I tell you that I'm blessed. PLEASE don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying "blessed" like rap singers say it when they get up on stage and the Grammy's and end their expletive filled acceptance speech with "I'm so blessed".
I am blessed by a God who has chosen a family for me that is perfect for me (of course!). A little back story for you:
I grew up in the Kent area and because my mom was a young mom we lived with her parents for a time when I was young, this led me to having an extremely close relationship with my grandparents, my cousins, some of whom lived about 40 minutes away (a lifetime when you're 6) would come to my grandparents house for events and just to visit, this led to a close relationship with that group of cousins! My other set of cousins' mom had an in-home daycare that my mom took me to while she worked, thus leading me to have a close relationship with THAT group of cousins.
One of my cousins, Kim, she and I went to Junior High together! I don't know what forges a stronger bond than that! Her brother Paul loved to sing and every time I hear the song "Oh, Donna" I think of him. :)
My other cousin Paul (we have a lot of Paul's in our family....grandpa, uncle, two cousins...), he was the big brother I always wanted. In the middle of the cul de sac where they lived there was a big sticker-y bush planted and we would ride our bikes around it and Paul would stand there and push us over into the sticker bush. Another time he convinced us to make baby food for our Cabbage Patch dolls....out of flour and water....IT'S PASTE! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get dried paste out of baby doll clothes?!?! What a butt. :) My cousin Angela, is....Angela. She was always playing sports, which she never let me play, and one time she got into the bathtub with her socks on. Their sister Robin was famous for getting up in the morning to sit over the heater vent on a cold winter morning. :)
And now that I've thrown some of them under the bus, I can tell you all what wonderful people they've grown up to be! We're all fairly close in age, the Paul's bookend us at 7 years between the 6 of us.
Paul B, married a wonderful lady (Hi Becky!) after his time in the Army and lives in Illinois with his kids (Forest, Nicole, Chris, and Tyler) and grandkids (I don't know all of their names but I think there are 5?) and continues to be a diehard Seahawks fan! I don't know if he's still pushing kids into sticker bushes....
Angela W. married a fantastic dude (Hi Brian!) has 4 tremendous kids (Abby, Ellie, Amelia, and Rigby) is the biggest Seahawks fan in the family (no contest) and has a way of seeing the good in everyone.
Robin A. married a fantastic dude too (Hi Eric!) they have 3 great kids (Lydia, Charlie, and Colton), Robin is soft-spoken (when you first meet her) but she'll fight for you and she makes really good ranch dressing.
Kim M. married a fantastic dude TOO (Hi Larry!) they have 2 amazing kids (Jamie and Evan) and Kim is the busiest human I know! She works full time does those home sales things, takes her kids to Girl and Boy Scouts and makes the worlds best cupcakes!
Paul K. is yet unmarried but he'll find that lucky girl! I'm pretty sure he still likes to sing, but I haven't asked him yet for the "Oh, Donna" 2015 Remix :)
And me, you all already know about me! I have my wonderful Trace and our Lucas!
Our grandmother is still just as amazing as ever, as are her children. My aunts (Pam, Bobbie, Merri) and my Uncle Paul are simply outstanding people and I am encouraged by them everyday. They make me want to be better people and they challenge me in God's Word and His plan for my life and they encourage me to accept that things are not always as we'd like them to be and to "just keep swimming"
Looking back I can absolutely see God's hand in my life from the beginning. He placed me with a young mom who needed (for a time) to live with her parents, thus forging that bond, that same mom needed to have me in a home day care that was in my cousins home, thus forging that bond, my cousin Kim's parents moved just before she finished Junior High and she was able to stay and finish by living with my grandparents....we happened to live up the street at that time, thus cementing that bond.
Through my adult years I have grown closer to my cousins and realize that they were such a gift. So yes....I am blessed.
I am blessed by a God who has chosen a family for me that is perfect for me (of course!). A little back story for you:
I grew up in the Kent area and because my mom was a young mom we lived with her parents for a time when I was young, this led me to having an extremely close relationship with my grandparents, my cousins, some of whom lived about 40 minutes away (a lifetime when you're 6) would come to my grandparents house for events and just to visit, this led to a close relationship with that group of cousins! My other set of cousins' mom had an in-home daycare that my mom took me to while she worked, thus leading me to have a close relationship with THAT group of cousins.
One of my cousins, Kim, she and I went to Junior High together! I don't know what forges a stronger bond than that! Her brother Paul loved to sing and every time I hear the song "Oh, Donna" I think of him. :)
My other cousin Paul (we have a lot of Paul's in our family....grandpa, uncle, two cousins...), he was the big brother I always wanted. In the middle of the cul de sac where they lived there was a big sticker-y bush planted and we would ride our bikes around it and Paul would stand there and push us over into the sticker bush. Another time he convinced us to make baby food for our Cabbage Patch dolls....out of flour and water....IT'S PASTE! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get dried paste out of baby doll clothes?!?! What a butt. :) My cousin Angela, is....Angela. She was always playing sports, which she never let me play, and one time she got into the bathtub with her socks on. Their sister Robin was famous for getting up in the morning to sit over the heater vent on a cold winter morning. :)
And now that I've thrown some of them under the bus, I can tell you all what wonderful people they've grown up to be! We're all fairly close in age, the Paul's bookend us at 7 years between the 6 of us.
Paul B, married a wonderful lady (Hi Becky!) after his time in the Army and lives in Illinois with his kids (Forest, Nicole, Chris, and Tyler) and grandkids (I don't know all of their names but I think there are 5?) and continues to be a diehard Seahawks fan! I don't know if he's still pushing kids into sticker bushes....
Angela W. married a fantastic dude (Hi Brian!) has 4 tremendous kids (Abby, Ellie, Amelia, and Rigby) is the biggest Seahawks fan in the family (no contest) and has a way of seeing the good in everyone.
Robin A. married a fantastic dude too (Hi Eric!) they have 3 great kids (Lydia, Charlie, and Colton), Robin is soft-spoken (when you first meet her) but she'll fight for you and she makes really good ranch dressing.
Kim M. married a fantastic dude TOO (Hi Larry!) they have 2 amazing kids (Jamie and Evan) and Kim is the busiest human I know! She works full time does those home sales things, takes her kids to Girl and Boy Scouts and makes the worlds best cupcakes!
Paul K. is yet unmarried but he'll find that lucky girl! I'm pretty sure he still likes to sing, but I haven't asked him yet for the "Oh, Donna" 2015 Remix :)
And me, you all already know about me! I have my wonderful Trace and our Lucas!
Our grandmother is still just as amazing as ever, as are her children. My aunts (Pam, Bobbie, Merri) and my Uncle Paul are simply outstanding people and I am encouraged by them everyday. They make me want to be better people and they challenge me in God's Word and His plan for my life and they encourage me to accept that things are not always as we'd like them to be and to "just keep swimming"
Looking back I can absolutely see God's hand in my life from the beginning. He placed me with a young mom who needed (for a time) to live with her parents, thus forging that bond, that same mom needed to have me in a home day care that was in my cousins home, thus forging that bond, my cousin Kim's parents moved just before she finished Junior High and she was able to stay and finish by living with my grandparents....we happened to live up the street at that time, thus cementing that bond.
Through my adult years I have grown closer to my cousins and realize that they were such a gift. So yes....I am blessed.
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