I've been thinking lately about fathers. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. In my circle of friends and family I've seen all of the above. This post however is not to offer a critique I guess but more to ask a few questions and state a few things that I don't understand.
I don't understand a father that is uninterested in his child(ren). Or a father that uses his children as leverage or as bait.
I understand the basic principle that it's rooted in selfishness and a desire to put self above all else, and I get that mothers (usually) are wired differently, but maybe it's my experiences with my own biological father and some fathers around me that have me scratching my head.
Do absent fathers or "barely there" fathers understand what they're doing to their kids? I'm kind of torn on this one, on one hand I hope they don't know because it's just painful to witness, and on the other hand, I hope they DO know, because they should know what they're causing. Being "abandoned", "forgotten", "dismissed" or "rejected" messes with a kid.
When your dad is supposed to pick you up at 3 and he doesn't get there until 3:30 or 3:45 that matters to a kid. When calls don't come, or holiday gifts are "lost in the mail" or visits get constantly rescheduled it matters to a kid.
Children internalize things; the fact that their dad is late, to them, may mean that he's late because he doesn't want to be there. And that may not be the case, but generally speaking, if you want to be somewhere, you usually bother to show up on time.
I know that when I was a kid, it was so important for me to please my father, because I was so sure that the first time I did something wrong or displeasing, that he would disappear from my life again. So I would bend over backward to act the way I thought he wanted me to. I was a much better behaved person, more cooperative, less sassy than I was at my house.
In my mind, it was ok for me to be snarky and ill-behaved and "teenager-y" with my mom and dad (step-dad) because I knew they weren't going anywhere. They loved me unconditionally and proved it over and over again. I was unsure of my father.
It pains me to write this because even though I am well into adulthood, the sting of rejection is still there. I wonder if there is something I could've done better, something I shouldn't have done, or if I just wasn't the daughter he wanted?
But I do know that God works everything out for His glory and I have a wonderful dad, I had the worlds greatest grandpa and I have a Heavenly Father who loves me in spite of my failures.
In my circle of family and friends, I am surrounded by families that have AMAZING dads!! There are divorced families, single moms, step-families, and everything in between. There are dads that make me want to scream and cry and generally I just grit my teeth.
But then I see dads like my husband, who is everything I wished for a father for my child to have. He takes time for our son, he talks to him and with him, he teaches and guides, disciplines and instructs, he is a parent first, and then a friend.
I feel like I pretty much rambled through that, and I hope it made sense.
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Parenting Ain't For Sissies!
Sometimes parenting sucks.
I often wonder why there are such rigorous tests for becoming a licensed driver or to carry a firearm, but there are no qualifying tests to become a parent, any old dummy can do it.
There's no instruction manual that the hospital sends you home with, no "hey! you might wanna expect this in the next few years". Nope, they just make sure you have a car seat, and smile and wave you out the doors!
The first few years, looking back, were the easiest, if you're currently in those years, try not to despair! I heard a quote years ago that said "the days are endless, but the years fly by" this is the truest parenting statement I've ever heard. I was certain my son was going to be 5 weeks old forever, and then 8 months, and 19 months, 3 years...etc.
Take heart. They do get older. And with every new age comes a new challenge. My son is 8 (he'll be 9, June 27), and he already knows everything. :) He's not a sporty athletic kid, he's a reader; he likes video games, YouTube and his books. He's a deep thinker, a litigator (he will argue about EVERYTHING!), honest, thoughtful, sensitive and sweet. He's whiny, and emotional, and tends to get frustrated easily, and like most kids, thinks a Band-Aid will fix any bump.
As I only have one child, I'm learning vicariously through my cousins and friends kids and my youth group kids, what teenagers are like.
I know that they can be amazing, awesome, funny, entertaining, encouraging people that I love to be around! However, I also know that there is a dark side lol. I know that there is an underlying evilness (sort of) to teenagers.
I'm not sure what it is about the teenage years that turns kids into this....thing. But it seems to be universal, I'm sure if you asked my mother, she would tell you that I was no different during those years. There's an entitlement, an attitude, and an aloofness that is all rolled up into a ball of angst that builds into a wall of parental resentment.
Now, I know that not every teenager is like this, and that they're not like this all the time.
I know that when they reach the age of driving and girl/boy friends that they want some freedom, but what I don't understand is why they believe that freedom is something they deserve? Or once they have a license and a car, why they suddenly feel they are free to roam the country side as they please? Or why getting them to help around the house is a chore in itself? I feel like if you ask a kid to put the dishes away, you might was well have asked them to repave the driveway or change the oil in the car!
I've been trying to examine why it is that kids have the idea that they are entitled to do what they want when they want, and I think I may have come up with a possible answer....to some degree.
I tried to think of the way I thought when I was a teenager and what was going on around me and the responsibilities and duties I had at that age and I realized that I had a lot going on. When I was 16, I was in high school, had a job, had responsibilities at home and struggled with depression and emotional issues.
Not that every teenager has all of these issues but I realized that when I was a teenager, I had no idea what my parents were dealing with. I was concerned with my issues, I was dealing with MY homework, MY work schedule, MY feelings and so forth. So when my parents asked me to vacuum or put dishes away, I didn't see it as something that was legitimately helping them out, all I thought was "UGH! Don't you know what I'M going through!" I think the teenage years are about self discovery and finding out where we fit in, but it should also be about understanding where others fit into that dynamic as well.
While it may take some time for the realization that the outside world does in fact exist, they will get there I think. We were all teenagers, right? While we probably don't like to think that we were THAT bad...we probably were...just ask your mom!
I often wonder why there are such rigorous tests for becoming a licensed driver or to carry a firearm, but there are no qualifying tests to become a parent, any old dummy can do it.
There's no instruction manual that the hospital sends you home with, no "hey! you might wanna expect this in the next few years". Nope, they just make sure you have a car seat, and smile and wave you out the doors!
The first few years, looking back, were the easiest, if you're currently in those years, try not to despair! I heard a quote years ago that said "the days are endless, but the years fly by" this is the truest parenting statement I've ever heard. I was certain my son was going to be 5 weeks old forever, and then 8 months, and 19 months, 3 years...etc.
Take heart. They do get older. And with every new age comes a new challenge. My son is 8 (he'll be 9, June 27), and he already knows everything. :) He's not a sporty athletic kid, he's a reader; he likes video games, YouTube and his books. He's a deep thinker, a litigator (he will argue about EVERYTHING!), honest, thoughtful, sensitive and sweet. He's whiny, and emotional, and tends to get frustrated easily, and like most kids, thinks a Band-Aid will fix any bump.
As I only have one child, I'm learning vicariously through my cousins and friends kids and my youth group kids, what teenagers are like.
I know that they can be amazing, awesome, funny, entertaining, encouraging people that I love to be around! However, I also know that there is a dark side lol. I know that there is an underlying evilness (sort of) to teenagers.
I'm not sure what it is about the teenage years that turns kids into this....thing. But it seems to be universal, I'm sure if you asked my mother, she would tell you that I was no different during those years. There's an entitlement, an attitude, and an aloofness that is all rolled up into a ball of angst that builds into a wall of parental resentment.
Now, I know that not every teenager is like this, and that they're not like this all the time.
I know that when they reach the age of driving and girl/boy friends that they want some freedom, but what I don't understand is why they believe that freedom is something they deserve? Or once they have a license and a car, why they suddenly feel they are free to roam the country side as they please? Or why getting them to help around the house is a chore in itself? I feel like if you ask a kid to put the dishes away, you might was well have asked them to repave the driveway or change the oil in the car!
I've been trying to examine why it is that kids have the idea that they are entitled to do what they want when they want, and I think I may have come up with a possible answer....to some degree.
I tried to think of the way I thought when I was a teenager and what was going on around me and the responsibilities and duties I had at that age and I realized that I had a lot going on. When I was 16, I was in high school, had a job, had responsibilities at home and struggled with depression and emotional issues.
Not that every teenager has all of these issues but I realized that when I was a teenager, I had no idea what my parents were dealing with. I was concerned with my issues, I was dealing with MY homework, MY work schedule, MY feelings and so forth. So when my parents asked me to vacuum or put dishes away, I didn't see it as something that was legitimately helping them out, all I thought was "UGH! Don't you know what I'M going through!" I think the teenage years are about self discovery and finding out where we fit in, but it should also be about understanding where others fit into that dynamic as well.
While it may take some time for the realization that the outside world does in fact exist, they will get there I think. We were all teenagers, right? While we probably don't like to think that we were THAT bad...we probably were...just ask your mom!
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
This Youth Group Leaders Life :)
As you may have gathered given the sporadic appearance of these blog posts, I'm generally an emotional writer. :) I write when the mood, or emotion strikes. In this case, it was a particularly well spoken Tuesday night Youth Group talk last night.
I'll elaborate a little for you, if you don't know much about me, I am a high school youth group leader at my church. Christ's Church in Federal Way, WA or CCFW in the shorthand, lol. this is my 5th year leading teenaged girls through their tumultuous high school years and I believe I have found my calling. This year I have seniors, at least 3 of whom I have known for several years and I know their parents and it's a family type relationship! A few of the other girls, I only know them and of their families through their laughter, stories and tears.
To tell you what emotion got me writing this I have to go back several years, so bear with me...feel free to drift off if you've heard this part before. When my husband and I were married about a year (waaay back in 2002, we decided to try to have a baby! YAY!) we were CERTAIN that we would have NO trouble with this, we were (and are) the perfect couple! So how could this be difficult for us?! Not to toot our own horns but anyone who has spent 5 minutes with Trace and I know that we were meant to be :) well, to our great surprise, our baby bliss just wasn't happening! And because of some internal issues of mine, I never knew whether or I was need of a test or not! I swear I should have bought pregnancy tests at Costco!
Fast forward to early 2006, I had recently given my heart and life to the Lord and had a talk with Him one day and very candidly told Him (lol, imagine my gall, to tell HIM anything!) I said, "if You want us to be parents You'll make it happen, so I give up! This is all on You, only YOU can make this happen!" In November of 2006 the pregnancy test made a symbol we'd never seen before. The Amazon river bed couldn't hold the water of tears I cried in gratitude.
**this is just a funny aside, nothing to do with the actual point ;) I went to my doctor for a blood test THAT SAME DAY lol, and my doctor wasn't even in the office that day actually and I sat and waited 2 hours for the results, the receptionist, told me a couple of times that I could go home and they would call me with the results, but I smiled and told her no, I would wait.**
Ok! Now, That being said, after our son was born in 2007 we tried another 3 years with no success and in 2010 I ended up having to have a complete hysterectomy. No more biological babies for us. We were mostly ok with that.
In 2008, I think(?) I served a few years with the children's ministry at my church and while I LOVED my 5th graders (now in 11th grade) children's ministry just wasn't the right fit for me. While I was serving there I was also serving in the high school group of our Awana ministry, called Journey and I found I LOVED the energy and enthusiasm of the high schoolers!
So in 2011 after watching the youth groups annual VBS/Work Party trip to rural Montana presentation, I told the youth pastor at the time, that I REALLY wanted to be a part of the youth group, I probably hounded him and he probably only let me as a last resort lol!
I was put in as a leader with a group of 10th graders, I was SO nervous! I was instantly the new kid in school who didn't know who to sit with at lunch haha! While there was an adjustment period, they got used to me, and the other leader they had that year, and I got used to them, I grew to realize that serving the Lord isn't always about serving but being served.
I may not have been able to have anymore biological babies, but God knew exactly where I was headed and that if I had had more babies, that maybe I wouldn't have had the time or energy for youth group and all it entails. As I told one of my girls when they were at my house one night for one of our famous sleepover/cookie baking/movie watching/laughing/staying up way too late/fun fests, I know why God didn't give me any more babies...He was sending me you.
NOW! That you've waded through all of THAT! Here's that ACTUAL reason for this blog post haha!! Our youth pastor Caleb, teaches from the heart and from the brain at the same time! His teaching style reminds me of a quote I saw on Pinterest once (don't ask me who said it, I have no idea), but the quote was "follow your heart, but take your brain with you". I'm sure Caleb would have a bit more to add to that but that quote always reminds me of him. Caleb has the ability to be a friend to the kids without being overbearing yet at the same time can hit them over the head with a book and be like "STOP IT!!!" He's really great for our kids.
So in his Tuesday night talk time last night, Caleb talked about biblical discipline and biblical obedience. That parents are biblically called to instruct and discipline their children, while children are called to honor their parents.
No where in the bible does it say "honor thy mother and father....if they're honorable"! Nope, there are no qualifiers.
The part that got to me the most was that he was talking to a room full of 14-18ish year olds and told them "do you know how you spell LOVE to your parents? T-I-M-E". I was in tears. He is so right, parents don't want to rule your life or tell you what you should be doing 24 hours a day. We want to instruct and guide and then gently discipline so that you can (insert cheesy line) spread your wings and live your own life! We know you want to live independently, and be your own person, but I think that as parents, we can all agree that if we could just get one concept through your head (other than biblical principles and a love of God) we wish you could learn from OUR mistakes, and that with our rules and discipline and checking in and worry and even though you feel like we're constantly on your back. Just as God the Father loves us enough to correct us and discipline us, if we didn't love you, we wouldn't do those things.
My mom said something to me a couple of times that at the time she said it, made NO sense "this is going to hurt me, more than it hurts you". WHAT?!?! I'm the one getting a spanking!! I get it now. While I as a parent may not have an aching backside, my heart hurts when I have to discipline Lucas. Not only because I know there's a moment of pain, but because I wish he could have learned the lesson before a punishment was necessary. I know we all do things that require punishment, but just as we hate to punish our children, how much more must God have hated to see Jesus on that cross? He was punished for someone ELSE'S mistakes and sin! MINE! and YOURS! My heart hurts with gratitude.
I mess up. I hurt God's heart. But just like I love Lucas enough to go back and explain why he was punished and how to not to that again and how to go forward, God leaves us this example in the Bible.
I am loved. I am forgiven.
I'll elaborate a little for you, if you don't know much about me, I am a high school youth group leader at my church. Christ's Church in Federal Way, WA or CCFW in the shorthand, lol. this is my 5th year leading teenaged girls through their tumultuous high school years and I believe I have found my calling. This year I have seniors, at least 3 of whom I have known for several years and I know their parents and it's a family type relationship! A few of the other girls, I only know them and of their families through their laughter, stories and tears.
To tell you what emotion got me writing this I have to go back several years, so bear with me...feel free to drift off if you've heard this part before. When my husband and I were married about a year (waaay back in 2002, we decided to try to have a baby! YAY!) we were CERTAIN that we would have NO trouble with this, we were (and are) the perfect couple! So how could this be difficult for us?! Not to toot our own horns but anyone who has spent 5 minutes with Trace and I know that we were meant to be :) well, to our great surprise, our baby bliss just wasn't happening! And because of some internal issues of mine, I never knew whether or I was need of a test or not! I swear I should have bought pregnancy tests at Costco!
Fast forward to early 2006, I had recently given my heart and life to the Lord and had a talk with Him one day and very candidly told Him (lol, imagine my gall, to tell HIM anything!) I said, "if You want us to be parents You'll make it happen, so I give up! This is all on You, only YOU can make this happen!" In November of 2006 the pregnancy test made a symbol we'd never seen before. The Amazon river bed couldn't hold the water of tears I cried in gratitude.
**this is just a funny aside, nothing to do with the actual point ;) I went to my doctor for a blood test THAT SAME DAY lol, and my doctor wasn't even in the office that day actually and I sat and waited 2 hours for the results, the receptionist, told me a couple of times that I could go home and they would call me with the results, but I smiled and told her no, I would wait.**
Ok! Now, That being said, after our son was born in 2007 we tried another 3 years with no success and in 2010 I ended up having to have a complete hysterectomy. No more biological babies for us. We were mostly ok with that.
In 2008, I think(?) I served a few years with the children's ministry at my church and while I LOVED my 5th graders (now in 11th grade) children's ministry just wasn't the right fit for me. While I was serving there I was also serving in the high school group of our Awana ministry, called Journey and I found I LOVED the energy and enthusiasm of the high schoolers!
So in 2011 after watching the youth groups annual VBS/Work Party trip to rural Montana presentation, I told the youth pastor at the time, that I REALLY wanted to be a part of the youth group, I probably hounded him and he probably only let me as a last resort lol!
I was put in as a leader with a group of 10th graders, I was SO nervous! I was instantly the new kid in school who didn't know who to sit with at lunch haha! While there was an adjustment period, they got used to me, and the other leader they had that year, and I got used to them, I grew to realize that serving the Lord isn't always about serving but being served.
I may not have been able to have anymore biological babies, but God knew exactly where I was headed and that if I had had more babies, that maybe I wouldn't have had the time or energy for youth group and all it entails. As I told one of my girls when they were at my house one night for one of our famous sleepover/cookie baking/movie watching/laughing/staying up way too late/fun fests, I know why God didn't give me any more babies...He was sending me you.
NOW! That you've waded through all of THAT! Here's that ACTUAL reason for this blog post haha!! Our youth pastor Caleb, teaches from the heart and from the brain at the same time! His teaching style reminds me of a quote I saw on Pinterest once (don't ask me who said it, I have no idea), but the quote was "follow your heart, but take your brain with you". I'm sure Caleb would have a bit more to add to that but that quote always reminds me of him. Caleb has the ability to be a friend to the kids without being overbearing yet at the same time can hit them over the head with a book and be like "STOP IT!!!" He's really great for our kids.
So in his Tuesday night talk time last night, Caleb talked about biblical discipline and biblical obedience. That parents are biblically called to instruct and discipline their children, while children are called to honor their parents.
No where in the bible does it say "honor thy mother and father....if they're honorable"! Nope, there are no qualifiers.
The part that got to me the most was that he was talking to a room full of 14-18ish year olds and told them "do you know how you spell LOVE to your parents? T-I-M-E". I was in tears. He is so right, parents don't want to rule your life or tell you what you should be doing 24 hours a day. We want to instruct and guide and then gently discipline so that you can (insert cheesy line) spread your wings and live your own life! We know you want to live independently, and be your own person, but I think that as parents, we can all agree that if we could just get one concept through your head (other than biblical principles and a love of God) we wish you could learn from OUR mistakes, and that with our rules and discipline and checking in and worry and even though you feel like we're constantly on your back. Just as God the Father loves us enough to correct us and discipline us, if we didn't love you, we wouldn't do those things.
My mom said something to me a couple of times that at the time she said it, made NO sense "this is going to hurt me, more than it hurts you". WHAT?!?! I'm the one getting a spanking!! I get it now. While I as a parent may not have an aching backside, my heart hurts when I have to discipline Lucas. Not only because I know there's a moment of pain, but because I wish he could have learned the lesson before a punishment was necessary. I know we all do things that require punishment, but just as we hate to punish our children, how much more must God have hated to see Jesus on that cross? He was punished for someone ELSE'S mistakes and sin! MINE! and YOURS! My heart hurts with gratitude.
I mess up. I hurt God's heart. But just like I love Lucas enough to go back and explain why he was punished and how to not to that again and how to go forward, God leaves us this example in the Bible.
I am loved. I am forgiven.
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